Everyone Needs a Tribe: The Importance of Belonging

Everyone needs a tribe in their life to be truly happy and satisfied with their existence.

When I say “tribe,” I’m simply referring to a close knit group of people that accept one another, support each other, and have each other’s backs when we are in times of need or weakness.

You could just as easily call it a “community” or a “family” or a “a close group of friends,” but I personally like the word “tribe” because it sounds natural and instinctual.

Our need to belong to a group is natural and instinctual.

It comes from our biology and our evolutionary history. While many species can survive independently as loners, human beings are not one of those species. Like most mammals, we’ve always been a social species that depends on our relationships with others if we want to survive, reproduce, and flourish.

As early hunters and gatherers, it was crucial to foster trust among small groups of people and work together to find food, take care of young, and protect the tribe from outside threats and predators. Anyone who got ostracized from the group (for breaking the rules or not cooperating), would likely die a quick death trying to fend for themselves.

So our need to belong to a group is a deeply instinctual need that is very much hard-wired into who we are. Throughout our evolution, it was literally a matter of “life” or “death.”

In today’s world, people feel less connected to their community which can have devastating effects on our happiness, well-being, and ability to build a peaceful and cooperative society.

Our need for a tribe is why many criminals and delinquents who join a gang often come from broken homes and troubled backgrounds. They never got accepted into a tribe before, so joining a gang of criminals is a way to finally feel like they belong somewhere.

That’s how powerful this need can be for us – when we are more willing to join a bad or destructive group rather than be left alone with no group at all to identify ourselves with.

This need to belong to a tribe is also an influence on many people’s experience of social anxiety. It’s a natural instinct that we crave acceptance from others and fear rejection from others.

No one likes it when they feel like they don’t “belong” somewhere. The humanistic psychologist Abraham Maslow identified a “need for belonging” as one of the essential needs of every human being.

In this way, social anxiety is a completely natural phenomenon that happens to everyone to some degree, especially around certain people or in certain situations that a person may not be familiar with.

But when these instincts are kicked into overdrive, we get a form of “social anxiety disorder” that begins hurting our ability to build relationships and function in our daily world in spite of these anxious feelings.

At its extreme, social anxiety can even lead to depression, hate, and cynicism. It becomes more than just fear of people, but actually beginning to hate them.

As someone who has always been very introverted and has also struggled with social anxiety for a long time, I’ve always wanted to believe that “I don’t need anyone in my life to be happy or successful.”

I used to dream of just running away from society – getting away from all the “stupid” and “cruel” people in this world – and just living in the woods by myself. Henry David Thoreau’s book Walden is a popular portrayal of a man leaving society behind and living a life of solitude. I found the idea inspiring.

However, I was wrong. And I finally realized that running away from society wasn’t the answer to my problems. If I was being honest with myself, I needed people to live and be happy.

Even to fulfill basic needs like food, shelter, and clothing is often a process that involves many people working together and providing for their tribe or community. It’s a group effort. As the cliché goes, “no man is an island.”

On a deeper level, we also have psychological needs that can only be fulfilled through meaningful human relationships. We don’t just crave food and shelter – but acceptance, love, and respect.

All of these needs – both physical and psychological – require us to connect with people and integrate with a group, community, or tribe to help us fulfill them. Without our tribe, it will be difficult if not impossible to fulfill these needs on our own.

Connecting with your tribe

The first step is to accept the importance of having a “tribe” in our lives.

We all need a group of people that accept us, supports us in time of need, and share the joys of life with us. This is an essential source of our happiness and meaning in life. And even the most introverted person cannot neglect these needs entirely.

The next step is to ask yourself, “How can I connect with my tribe?” or “How can I build my tribe?”

Start by looking at the people already in your life: family, friends, neighbors, or coworkers. Often we don’t choose our tribes, they are a product of our environment, who lives around us, where we work, and the relationships we were born into.

Maybe you don’t choose everyone who is in your tribe, but it’s still important that you build positive relationships with these people.

Why? Because they are your tribe. And making things work with them will often make everyone better off in the long-run than a tribe with constant conflict, division, and strife.

However, sometimes we do have to start building new tribes on our own.

Maybe you grew up in an abusive family, or you’re in a hostile work environment, or maybe you’ve been disconnected from society for so long that you really don’t have any friends and you don’t keep in contact with anyone anymore.

These aren’t uncommon problems for people who suffer with social anxiety, and often it does take effort to start building a new tribe.

• Get back in touch with old friends or family – Often we “lose touch” with people for no good reason except that our lives went in different directions. Re-establishing contact with old friends and family can be a great way to reconnect with your tribe and start building positive relationships again with people who were once an important part of your life.
• Connect with people with common interests – Tribes work best when people are united with common values, interests, and goals. Because of this, it’s important when making new connections that you seek out people who are similar to you in some way. For example, if you’re interested in reading books or talking politics, then joining a book club or political organization can put you in touch with like-minded people.
• Join online communities – We are lucky to live in our current age because today we’re no longer limited to only interacting with people who live close by to us or who we stumble upon randomly. With the internet, we can easily seek out communities of people with a wide-range of different experiences and interests. There’s literally a community for anyone, whether it’s an eclectic hobby or a rare medical condition. It’s very healthy to use the internet as a way to find people who we may not have easily available to us in our everyday lives. Even a simple Facebook or Twitter or Youtube account can provide a good sense of community and interconnectedness with the world around us.
• Keep the good people around you – Once you find some positive and loyal friends, it’s important to hold onto them and maintain those tight connections. A healthy social life doesn’t mean you have to always make new friends, be the life of every party, and be super popular – just having a few close friends can make all the difference in your social world. Sometimes all it takes is one good friend to introduce you to their tribe for you to begin to develop a positive social network. Remember, your relationships should be about quality more than quantity.
• Let go of the bad people who have a negative influence – It’s not the best case scenario, but sometimes we need to “let go” of certain people in our lives because they have too much of a negative influence on you. Toxic personalities that are always criticizing others, acting rudely, and throwing around negative language can be a huge drag on our physical and mental resources. Sometimes the only choice we have is to slowly minimize our time spent with these types of people and begin spending more time with people who add something to our lives and don’t just subtract from our lives. It can hurt in the short-term, but it’s better for you in the long-term.

These are all good starting points for connecting with your tribe and finding a tribe that fits you and your values in life.

Overall, if you don’t have something that you can call a “tribe,” then it may be time to start thinking about it and start building a solid social circle in your life. It’s more important than you think!

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