The Power of “We” and How One Simple Word Can Change How We View Our Relationships

One core lesson in psychology is the power of our words and language to influence our perspective.

When learning about how minds work, one of the first things I started paying attention to was my self-talk and the specific words I’d choose to describe things. When we choose the right words, we can influence our mindset in powerful ways.

The smallest change in your language can make a big difference – this is an important aspect of reframing or looking at life from a new perspective. Sometimes all it takes is one word to completely change the tone of what you’re communicating.

For example, when talking about your goals you can use the power of “yet” (“I’m not a successful musician yet.”), to keep the possibility open in the future. We can also use simple qualifiers to intensify positive beliefs (“I’m very motivated”) or downplay negative beliefs (“I’m a little bad at math sometimes.”)

Of course the importance of the words we choose isn’t just about self-talk, but also how effectively we communicate with others and ultimately how we build relationships with people.

In one new meta-analysis published in Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, researchers analyzed 30 studies of nearly 5,300 participants and discovered that couples who often say “we” and “us” have more successful relationships and are happier and healthier overall.

In total, the researchers looked at five different measurements: relationship outcomes (satisfaction, length of union), relationship behaviors (positive vs. negative interactions observed), mental health, physical health, and health behaviors (how well participants take care of themselves).

With each measurement, the use of “we” and “us” was associated with better relationship outcomes in both men and women.

While the study only finds a correlation between “we-talk” and these positive outcomes, researchers theorize that “we-talk” reinforces interconnectedness and interdependence in relationships.

Instead of seeing a relationship in terms of, “I depend on them to be happy” or “They depend on me to be happy,” we see the mutual dependence and recognize, “We are both working together to be happier.”

The best relationships are when we bring out the best in each other – that requires a cooperative and collaborative effort.

One of the lead authors of the paper Alexander Karen goes on to say…

“By examining all these studies together, they let us see the bigger picture. We-talk is an indicator of interdependence and general positivity in romantic relationships…The benefit of analyzing many different couples in a lot of different contexts is that it establishes we-talk isn’t just positively related in one context, but that it indicates positive functioning overall.”

In another study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, it was found that “we-talk” can be particularly effective when trying to resolve conflicts or solve a problem.

In most relationships, there is rarely just a “You” problem or an “I” problem. Instead, it’s often a “We” problem – and you’re going to have to approach it that way if you want to fix or improve anything.

Relationships are always a two-way street.

Based on my personal experience, shifting more from “I-talk” to “We-talk” has generally improved my relationships and the way I approach them. This is true for relationships in all domains of life: romantic, friendship, family, work, etc.

Further research supports the power of “We-talk” in many different situations:

• In job interviews, one study published by the Institute of Electrical and Electronic Engineers found that the use of “We” instead of “I” was a powerful predictor of applicants being viewed more favorably, including being seen as more positive and friendly.
• In leadership roles, one study published in Developmental Psychology found that the use of group-centric language such as “We” and “Us” predicted who would be elected as leader in an online community of young adults.
• Similarly, another study published in the Journal of Language and Social Psychology discovered that the use of “We” and community-minded language predicted higher status within a group. This has also been corroborated by other research including analysis of language in natural settings outside the lab.
• In political elections, a study published in PLOS One that analyzed 43 Australian Federal elections found that candidates who more frequently used the terms “We” and “Us” won in 80% of elections compared to those who used them less frequently.

The use of “we” implies a group bond: a partnership, a team, a family, a tribe, a community. When you use “we” or “us,” you’re automatically connecting your goals, values, and intentions to other people who you feel are on the same boat as you.

When you make this conscious change in how you speak about your relationships, you’ll notice a shift in how you view your relationships and ultimately the outcomes you get in life.

Let’s explore more why “we”-talk can be so powerful.

The power of “we”-talk helps create a sense of…

• Shared Identity – When using the term “we,” you are letting people know they they are part of your tribe or group, which provides a powerful sense of belonging and collective identity (whether it’s a family, business, sports team, religion, or country). Successful leaders are able to craft new identities and extend their definition of “we” to bring new people into their circle of empathy.
• Shared Goals – One of the most common ways “we”-talk helps our relationships is that it allows people to feel that they are working together to achieve a certain goal or solve a difficult problem. “We need to fix this in the house,” or “We need to make a decision on this” is way more friendly and cooperative than saying “You need to fix this in the house,” or “I need to make a decision on this.” “We”-talk implies teamwork and mutual effort from all sides. This includes the sharing of political and societal goals as well. For example, check out this powerful excerpt from John F. Kennedy’s legendary “Moon Speech” at Rice University in 1962:
  “We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win.”
• Shared Accomplishments – “We”-talk isn’t just about sharing problems, but also sharing accomplishments and good times. In general, couples that take more time to reflect on positive memories and share new experiences together tend to be happier and healthier, and thinking in terms of “we” or “us” is going to emphasize that truth. Share your successes with your partner, give them credit, and let them know that you couldn’t have done it without them. Be happy for their success as if it were your own: compliment people, congratulate them, and let them know you’re proud of them. Most success is a combination of many people working together (including personal accomplishments), so “we”-talk helps to highlight that and emphasize that shared growth and success.
• Letting Go of “Me” – Interestingly, research has also discovered that focusing too much on “me” is a sign of depression. One theory is that focusing too much on yourself (by always talking about “me” or “I”) can lead to excessive rumination – constantly thinking about your own problems – and sometimes to break this pattern we need to step outside of ourselves and focus on what we can do to help others. This is one reason why having a giving mindset, such as doing acts of kindness and volunteering, has been shown to boost mental health. Kindness gives us an opportunity to shift our focus away from “me” and toward the bigger “we” of humanity.

As you can see, more “we”-talk has many potential benefits, but the most important is how it fundamentally changes the way you view yourself and your relationships as a whole.

Human nature is interconnected. Every individual is partly defined by the relationships around them (family, friends, loved ones, coworkers, acquaintances, etc.), and deep down our lives are all influenced by the quality of these relationships.

“No man is an island” is a fundamental truth, whether you can see your “we” or not.

To build happiness and meaning in life, we often need to build close relationships with others. That requires us to see our well-being as overlapping with the well-being of others.

Once you understand this fundamental truth, saying “we” begins to come more naturally to you.

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