The Power of “10 Second” Relationships: How Small Conversations Improve Well-Being

We have more opportunities to socialize than we often realize.

As long as there are people, there is opportunity to build a connection. This means every time you step outside and leave your home, there is the potential to interact with someone.

This is true even for super small interactions – like talking to the cashier at a grocery store, or saying “Hi” to a neighbor, or complimenting someone’s shirt who you see on the bus or train.

Many of us try to ignore these mini “10 second relationships.” We see them as small and pointless. What’s the use in being friendly to someone if you’re likely never going to see them again?

However, a recent study published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science shows that small talk can improve feelings of belonging and positive emotions. In the experiment, participants that were asked to initiate small talk with a barista while getting their daily cup of coffee.

Typically we treat cashiers, baristas, and other service providers as just an “economic exchange.” You give your money, you get your stuff, then you leave…no need for any chit-chat.

When participants were asked to smile, make eye contact, and start a brief conversation with the barista, they walked away from the experience with a boost in positive emotions and an increased “sense of belonging.”

Another interesting study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology discovered that when we force ourselves to talk with strangers – even when we don’t want to – it still provides an unexpected boost in our overall mood.

In this experiment, researchers instructed commuters on trains and buses to either 1) Connect with a stranger near them, 2) Remain disconnected, or 3) Commute as normal. They found in both situations that participants reported a more positive experience when they connected with a stranger than when they did not.

This was true even when participants expected they would prefer being alone.

We often underestimate how much we need social interaction in our lives, including even the smallest types of connections with others.

Researchers theorized that people mistakenly prefer solitude when around others because they think other people simply aren’t interested in connecting or talking with them. But according to the “liking gap,” we often underestimate how much people will like us when they first meet us.

The simple truth is most people are prosocial: they want to like you and be liked by you.

Don’t forget that the next time you cross paths with someone new.

I think of these mini-social interaction as “10 second relationships,” because that’s the only amount of time you really need to build a positive connection with someone. Sometimes it takes even less than that.

You don’t even need to say a single word to connect with someone – sometimes just a smile, a wave, or a nod of the head is enough to tell someone, “I see you and I acknowledge your existence.”

And that can feel good for both the giver and the receiver.

Too often we walk through the world with our heads down, trying to ignore all the people we pass by on a daily basis. We’re surrounded by people, yet we feel alone and disconnected.

What if you actually made a small effort to be more social with all of these strangers?

There are many opportunities for these “10 second relationships,” and there’s nothing wrong with starting little interactions with people who you don’t know (as long as you’re respectful toward them).

For example, every morning I like to walk my dog and I’m always running into people or passing them by. I try to make it a point to say “Hi” or “Good morning” to everyone that I come within 10 feet of.

It doesn’t matter who you are. Young or old. Rich or poor. Attractive or ugly. When it comes to my “10 second relationships” – everyone is the same. There is no need for social comparison on any level.

There are no ulterior motives. I’m not trying to flirt with someone, or ask for money, or win them as a friend, I’m just saying “Hi” because they are another human being like me.

When you take this mindset, and you can literally say “Hi” to anyone without hesitation, it transforms you into a much more social person.

And then, the next time you actually do want to approach a specific person, or flirt with someone, it’s not as big of a deal – because you’re already comfortable talking to everyone and treating everyone with respect and decency.

“10 second relationships” are a great way to begin exercising your social muscles.

Here’s all it takes to build a “10 second” relationship with someone…

• Smile and wave “Hi.”
• Ask, “Hey, how are you today?”
• Hold the door for people.
• Give a genuine “please” and “thank you.”
• Give a genuine compliment. (“I really like your hair.” or “Nice shirt, I love that band.”)
• Make an observation about your surroundings. (“I can’t believe it’s snowing in July!”)
• Share a funny joke you recently heard.
• Start a conversation while waiting (at bus stop, train station, doctor’s office, etc.)
• Ask for someone’s opinion about something (people love sharing their thoughts).
• Text or message an old friend or family member you haven’t spoken to in awhile.
• Do a quick favor – help someone carry their groceries or cross the street.
• Leave a comment on a message board or online forum.

A lot of these can seem like simple polite behaviors, but when we do them genuinely, they are a real way to create tiny social connections.

Of course, a “10 second relationship” could always turn into something more, but the point is that it doesn’t have to. That’s why there is never any pressure. You’re just being social for the sake of socializing.

And yes, some people may still respond back with a negative attitude (or not respond back at all). I’ve definitely experienced that many times –and it always stings a little bit.

If someone doesn’t reciprocate your small comment or gesture, it’s only a small rejection – and you know that you had good intentions, which is what matters most.

I try to remind myself that people are like the weather and we can’t always predict how they will respond to us. Perhaps that person was just having a bad day or didn’t get enough sleep the night before. Don’t take it personally.

“10 second relationships” are one of the easiest and safest ways to begin exercising your social muscles and improve your social skills. I highly recommend them to anyone who wants to become a more social person.

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