The Desire to Change People: Letting Go of What You Can’t Control

Our desire to change people can be very strong, but it can also become unhealthy and stressful when we try to change people who fundamentally don’t want to change.

Of course, we all have expectations about how people should act and the kind of relationships we want to have throughout our lives. If someone insults you and treats you disrespectfully, you’re probably going to have a negative reaction to them. It’s completely normal to sometimes want to change people so that they better meet our expectations.

And we know from psychology that people are malleable in many different ways, through things like behavioral nudges, viral marketing, and social persuasion.

Often the deeper our personal relationship with someone, the more that person will be willing to listen to what we say and follow our advice, especially if they really respect and trust you.

However, there is another element of human psychology that is rarely talked about, but always taken for granted: individual choice. If it’s true that everyone has a sense of choice and willpower, then it’s also true that we can only change people to a limited degree.

We notice this in our everyday life. We’ve all experienced moments when we try to change something about someone – “Hey, you should try exercising more or eating less junk food!” – but they actively resist it. No matter how good our advice was or how nice we tried to be, the other person simply didn’t want to listen.

A person may even purposely not change just to rebel against you – to prove their own sense of independence.

Our desire to change people is something to be mindful of, because it can often backfire on you if you’re not careful. You can have the best intentions in the world and all the knowledge to help a person, but if they aren’t willing to change then your efforts will ultimately be in vain.

And when we try to change something that we don’t have control over, it can often become a great source of stress and disappointment. We end up blaming ourselves for not being able to “help someone” or “save someone” when really it was outside of our power all along. Therefore, we need to know when it’s appropriate to let go of this desire to change others when it may become too toxic and destructive.

To motivate someone to create a lasting change in themselves, you have to first and foremost respect their freedom and autonomy. That sometimes means letting them continue to make the same mistakes because they have to learn on their own.

This is something that can be hard to watch, but necessary for true self-growth and self-improvement.

It’s also something I’ve learned a lot over the years as a self-improvement coach. I always frame my advice as an idea or suggestion, and I never tell people they absolutely need to do something. It’s ultimately their life at the end of the day, not mine.

One problem is that a lot of people who seek help really just want quick fixes and magic solutions. They don’t usually want to put in the time and work, because change can be hard, and even painful.

Unfortunately, it’s difficult if not impossible to change people like this, because they aren’t willing to accept the responsibility to make that change, and that’s a prerequisite. No one can change what they don’t first take responsibility for.

For some people, you can tell them step-by-step what they should do and share tips that have worked for you in the past, but they will never find the motivation to follow your guidance. It reminds me of the classic proverb…“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.”

With this in mind, you have to be cautious who you put your time and energy into when trying to help people. Some people are more addicted to their problems rather than finding solutions to them. You can’t change everyone.

Our “power” or “control” over others is limited. And it’s important not to be too hard on ourselves when we can’t change everyone for the better. Before anything, we should be responsible to ourselves, and maybe through our example we can inspire others to change in positive ways too.

Even the most powerful and influential people find themselves limited in their capacity to transform the relationships around them. In today’s world, we are so used to getting what we want that we often try desperately to change disappointing relationships into something more fulfilling, even when it is hopeless.

This may contribute to why many people stay in negative and abusive relationships: they feel that if they hang on a little longer, things will get better. They falsely believe that they can “change the person,” they just need to work a little harder. But the best course of action sometimes is to just walk away.

If you continue to expose yourself to negative and toxic people because you think you can “change them,” then you may get caught in that negativity and suffer more because of it. You will end up a part of their destructive lifestyle and toxic environment that the other person has built around themselves.

So what can you do to “let go” of your desire to change people? Here are a few healthy suggestions…

How to “let go” of your desire to change people

• Radical acceptance. Practice radical acceptance of who people are without trying to change them. Understand that people are often shaped by things that are outside of your control, such as their biology, environment, and past experiences.
• Emotional validation. When people talk to you about their problems, they aren’t usually looking for advice, but just someone to listen to them and provide emotional validation. Practice listening to others without feeling the need to interject or try to “save them.”
• Practice silence. It’s tempting to want to say something to try and help people, but sometimes the best course of action is to practice silence, especially when dealing with delicate subjects. Silence can save you a lot of wasted energy and conflict if you practice it in the right situations.
• Be a positive role model. One of the best ways to “influence” people in an indirect way is to set a positive example through your own speech and actions. By becoming a positive role model in other people’s lives, you can show them how to change without making it seem like you are forcing them to change.
• The “enemy’s gift” perspective. When it comes to people who are really difficult or unpleasant to be around, try to see them as a challenge to build more tolerance, patience, and understanding in your life. In Buddhism, this is sometimes referred to as the “enemy’s gift.” As the Dalai Lama once said, “In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher.”
• Walk away. Once you’ve exhausted all other options, sometimes the only thing left to do is walk away and let the other person live the way they want to live. You aren’t obligated to be friends with everyone, and it’s completely fine to cut out certain people in your life who you are incompatible with.

These are just a few tips and suggestions for taming your “desire to change people.” I hope you will take them to heart, but it’s up to you at the end of the day whether you change or not.

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