The 4 Fundamental Pillars of Emotional Intelligence

When we think of “intelligence,” we often associate it with things like logic, math, and science – but there is a whole other aspect of our reality that can’t be ignored – and that is the reality of emotions.

Every person experiences emotions, but some respond to their emotions better than others.

For many, emotions can be considered a sign of “weakness.” People will often try to ignore or suppress their feelings and pretend to approach life’s problems from a strictly “rational” or “logical” perspective.

But the more you bottle up your emotions and act like they don’t exist, the more likely those emotions will eventually spill-out in unhealthy and destructive ways. The reality of emotions always prevails in the end.

For example, if a person is deeply angry about something in their life but they never confront those feelings, those emotions will inevitably manifest in unhealthy ways. It could slowly make them more stressed, irritable, unhappy, and even cruel to others.

Ignoring your feelings is never emotional intelligence, it’s emotional stupidity. You can’t respond to your emotions in a healthy way if you act like they don’t exist.

The term “emotional intelligence” was first popularized by science journalist Daniel Goleman in his influential book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ in 1995. Throughout the book, he makes the case that “emotional intelligence” (EQ) is another aspect of intelligence that is often over-looked.

However, the idea of “emotional intelligence” can probably be traced back all the way to Charles Darwin and his theory of evolution.

In Darwin’s book The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals published in 1872, he argues that emotions (like all mental activity) are a product of evolution – in other words, emotions are a biological function to help humans adapt to their environment in a more effective way.

The basic view of emotional intelligence is that emotions aren’t necessarily the opposite of thinking, but a different way of thinking about different types of problems that exist in our world.

From an evolutionary perspective, “negative emotions” are often a signal that something is going wrong in our environment that we need to fix or change.

For example, when we are in a threatening situation – such as confronting a predator – our brains are designed to create feelings of “fear” so that we avoid or run away from the potential threat. Those who didn’t evolve to experience “fear” would haphazardly put themselves in danger and decrease their chances for survival

“Positive emotions” also serve an evolutionary purpose. Feelings of “joy” or “pleasure” often signal to us that a situation is good for survival, such as finding food to eat, or developing tools to solve problems, or cultivating relationships where we can work together to survive.

Both “positive” and “negative” emotions are designed to motivate you to take actions that are beneficial for survival and adaptation to your environment.

Of course, emotions can still be misleading or harmful if we don’t know how to respond to them properly – that’s where emotional intelligence comes in.

Emotions can be a valuable tool to help guide our choices and behaviors – but we have to learn how to use them wisely.

Below you’ll find descriptions of the 4 fundamental pillars that make up emotional intelligence as a whole and how you can apply them to your daily life.

The first pillar of emotional intelligence is self-awareness. This is simply the ability to identify your emotions in the moment and understand where they are coming from.

Ask yourself, “What emotions am I feeling right now?” and “What’s causing me to feel this way?” If you can answer those two questions, you are on the right track.

Emotions often come in two main parts: 1) The mental component – the thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs that underlie most of our emotions, and 2) The physical component – the bodily sensations that often accompany different emotional states.

For example, an emotion such as nervousness may be a mixture of certain thoughts (“I’m not good at this” or “I’m scared I’m going to make a mistake”) as well as certain physical sensations in our bodies (a fluttery feeling in our stomach, ie “I have butterflies in my stomach”).

There are many different ways to classify our emotions; but ultimately, the more you improve your emotional vocabulary, the easier it will be to correctly identify what you are feeling.

One simple and useful model for categorizing emotions is the “valence” vs. “arousal” dimensions. Every emotion falls somewhere between “positive” vs. “negative” (“feels good” vs. “feels bad”) and “high arousal” vs. “low arousal” (“energizing” vs. “lethargic.”)

That’s a basic view of emotions, but it’s a useful guideline.

In general, pay attention to the physical and mental components behind each emotion. The more you learn from them and become familiar with them, the quicker you can take note of how you’re feeling and respond accordingly in the moment.

The simple act of accepting and acknowledging our emotions is sometimes enough to lessen their power over us.

In one fascinating study, psychologists found that labeling your emotions in the moment can help you overcome them.

When participants with a fear of spiders were asked to approach an open container with a tarantula, the group that was instructed to describe their emotions openly and honestly (“I’m anxious and terrified by the ugly spider”), were able to dampen their fears more and walk closer to the tarantula than groups that were instructed to ignore or suppress their feelings.

The next time you’re feeling a really strong emotion, try stepping back and just observing that emotion as it is. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling? What am I thinking? What physical sensations am I experiencing with this emotion?”

Of course, our world is filled with a lot of emotional complexity, sometimes we even experience multiple emotions at once that can be difficult to untangle.

In general, however, the more you understand your emotional world the easier it will be to navigate it.

Once you are more aware of your emotions, the next pillar of emotional intelligence is learning how to respond to them better, also known as “self-regulation.”

Every emotion is valid and justified – the key is knowing how to respond to it in a healthy and constructive way.

You have a choice in how you respond to your emotions. Two people can experience the same exact emotion but respond to it in two completely different ways.

One person experiencing anger may use that as an excuse to yell, insult, or be aggressive, while another person uses that anger as an opportunity to reflect and learn what is really bothering them.

Depending on the situation, there are many different strategies we can use to better regulate our emotions in the moment.

Common self-regulation strategies include:

• Talking about your feelings with a trustworthy and loyal friend can be a huge help, especially someone who will listen in a nonjudgmental way. Too often we keep our feelings to ourselves, when the thing we need most is emotional validation and just having someone who understands what we are going through.
• Writing about your feelings and articulating them in an honest and open way. If you have no one to talk to, journaling about your feelings can be a great tool to build emotional intelligence. It gives you an opportunity to step back and question your feelings rather than impulsively responding to them in the moment.
• Creating a new plan for how to respond to your emotions. If you have trouble with a specific negative emotion (such as anger, sadness, or anxiety), come up with alternative ways you can respond to it in the moment. Make a list of all the possibilities. Instead of using “anger” to argue or fight, think of it as a sign to walk away or take deep breaths. Remember that you have many choices.
• Channeling an emotion in a creative and constructive way, such as through art, music, or photography. Creative hobbies can often give you an opportunity to express yourself in a deeply personal way that doesn’t rely on words. For me, making electronic music is one of my go-to strategies when trying to process deeper, more challenging emotions that don’t always have a clear answer.
• Reversing the flow of negative emotions by practicing the opposite action technique. Sometimes it helps to do the opposite of what you feel to stop feeding into a specific emotion. For example, when you are feeling “sad” or “depressed” and you don’t want to socialize with others is exactly when you most need to reach out and connect, or when you are feeling “shame” and want to hide yourself is when you most need to find someone to share and be vulnerable with.
• Seeking positive experiences and knowing how to generate positive emotions on your own. Emotional intelligence isn’t just responding to your emotions, but also knowing how to generate them from scratch. Embrace positive emodiversity and all the positive emotions we have to choose from throughout the day (such as joy, gratitude, inspiration, or awe). Choose one positive emotion and find an activity that brings it out in you: listening to music, watching a movie, playing a video game, spending time in nature, or reading a book.
• Minimizing your exposure to certain triggers – such as specific people, situations, or places that are more likely to bring out a negative or destructive side of you. An important part of “self-regulation” is knowing how your environment can influence your mental state – and acting accordingly. At times this may include cutting out certain people, places, or situations in your life which you have a strong negative association with.
• Sitting and watching emotions as a passive observer, instead of acting on them impulsively. Emotions come and go throughout the day, but we don’t always need to respond to them. The helpful mantra “this too shall pass” is a powerful reminder that all of our thoughts, feelings, and experiences are impermanent and always changing. Sometimes the best way to overcome an emotion is to just accept it and let it be. No action required.

These are all tools and strategies available to us to help us better regulate our emotions. Which do you find work best for you? Which would you like to try?

Think of “emotional intelligence” as a kind of toolkit. There are many different ways to respond to a particular emotion, but not every tool is going to work depending on what the situation is.

The more emotionally intelligent you become, the better you will be at deciding what is the best way to respond to any emotion in any given moment. Be patient with yourself, experiment with new strategies, and find what works best for you.

Understanding your emotions is 50% of emotional intelligence, the other half is understanding the emotions of others.

This is commonly known as “empathy” – it is our ability to see things from another person’s perspective – and to take into account their individual thoughts and feelings about a situation.

Interestingly, research shows a strong link between self-awareness and empathy.

As we discover more about ourselves, we also improve empathy (or “other-awareness”), because we learn that there is sometimes a difference between our thoughts and feelings vs. the thoughts and feelings of others.

Empathy includes recognizing both the similarities and differences between you and others.

To do that, you have to be willing to step into their proverbial shoes and keep in mind the complete picture of who someone is: their upbringing, education, beliefs, values, culture, and past experiences.

You may never be able to completely understand someone, but you can bridge the gap between your perspective and theirs.

Here’s a simple visual of how empathy works. It shows the relationship between “self” and “other” – and where they overlap is where we achieve empathy.

In every relationship, there are different degrees of overlap between “self” and other.” The more overlap there is, the more we are able to understand that person’s perspective.

Empathy is the opposite of mind-reading (or “projecting”), where we erroneously assume we know what someone is thinking or feeling without confirming.

You don’t necessarily know what’s going on in someone’s mind unless you ask them. The easiest way to be more empathetic is to simply ask people, “What do you think or feel about that?”

Invite people to share their thoughts and feelings in a nonjudgmental way and you’d be surprised by how much people want to open up and share with you.

Focus on asking empathetic questions if you want to learn more about where a person is coming from. All it takes is a simple, “What’s on your mind?” or “How can I help?” to shift your focus more toward the other person’s needs.

Beyond words, a person’s body language can also reveal a lot about what’s going on inside their minds, especially when it comes to reading facial expressions, posture, or gestures.

A lot of what we communicate between each other is nonverbal, so it’s important to learn how to read those signals if you want to boost your empathy in general.

Another powerful tool for improving empathy is perspective taking. This is a mental exercise where you literally imagine yourself experiencing a situation from another person’s perspective to better understand them.

Take the time to visualize yourself going through a situation step-by-step from their perspective – see the world through their eyes – what can you takeaway from it?

This technique is one reason why reading fiction has been shown to boost empathy and social skills. Books, movies, and TV shows can be considered a type of “empathy simulation” – when we experience a good story, we are often seeing the world from a completely new perspective.

Keep in mind: You may not naturally consider yourself an “empathetic” person, but empathy is a skill that can be improved with deliberate practice.

In general, be more willing to ask yourself, “Where is this person coming from? What are they thinking and feeling? Why are they acting in the way they do?” These types of questions will be a great starting point in building more empathy in your daily relationships.

Once you understand the emotions of yourself and others, the next question is “How do I respond to other people’s emotions?” This is where “social skills” comes in as the last pillar of emotional intelligence.

In essence, social skills are simply about navigating other people’s emotional world. It’s not only about empathizing with how they are feeling, but also knowing how to appropriately respond to those feelings in the moment.

Empathy is a prerequisite to social skills, but it’s often not enough.

Technically, a person can be very high in “empathy,” but not very good when it comes to building relationships. They may be very attuned and sensitive to the feelings of others, but have zero clue how to respond to them in a healthy and constructive way. They over-flow with emotions that they don’t know what to do with.

Social skills are the direct counterpart to the “self-regulation” pillar of emotional intelligence – just as we must learn how to manage our own emotions, we must learn how to manage the emotions of others.

Of course, this doesn’t necessarily mean we are responsible for everything a person feels, it only acknowledges that we have a choice in how we interact with them.

One big aspect of social skills is knowing how to identify a person who is feeling negative, upset, or angry, and helping them manage those feelings more effectively.

Social skills give you the ability to walk people from “negative emotions” to “positive emotions.”

This could be something as easy as listening to a person and letting them vent, giving them emotional validation and helping them feel understood (which is what most people are looking for).

It can also mean doing something more pro-active such as providing positive feedback (compliments, encouragement, support), shifting the topic of conversation to something more positive, or even just cracking a joke to lighten the mood.

Many of the tools and strategies mentioned under “self-regulation” can also be applied in a social context. Ask yourself, “What would make me feel better in this situation?” and see if it applies to the other person.

Another important principle to keep in mind for all of our social interactions is the idea of emotional contagion – we can “catch” the emotions of others, and others can also “catch” our emotions.

We’ve all experienced it before: When a positive person who is fun, uplifting, and easygoing walks into the room, the emotional dynamics of the entire room can shift.

If you can create that type of presence (or “aura”), then you are going to have a similar effect on others.

When it comes to social skills, simply being a more positive and likable person is half-the-battle.

That doesn’t mean you always have to be cheerful or “happy-go-lucky,” but you should generally make the effort to add positive emotions to the room whenever possible.

Of course, social skills also include engaging with other people’s negative emotions and having those “difficult conversations.”

Learning how to talk about feelings (without using them as a weapon) is one obstacle many people struggle with in their daily conversations.

This likely goes back to the idea of most emotions being seen as a “weakness.” Instead of talking openly and honestly about them in a peaceful way (with family, friends, coworkers, etc.), it’s common to suppress them and only let them manifest in aggressive and destructive ways.

Another essential social skill is knowing how to defuse heated arguments.

When conversations hit a certain “point of no return,” they can often become very emotionally toxic. At this stage of a conversation, people are often willing to say anything to “win the argument” or make themselves feel better (even if it means hurting others).

To improve our communication, it’s important to recognize when conversations are reaching that tipping point, and knowing how to deescalate things back into a more peaceful discussion before they go off-the-rails.

At times, this may include just leaving the conversation or practicing the power of silence.

The trickiest thing about social skills is that every person and situation is going to be different.

How to best respond to one situation may not necessarily be the best way to respond to another situation – when it comes to social skills, you always need to take into account the full context.

This is why all social skills require a healthy dose of improvisation. You have to “read the room” and know exactly what is needed in that specific moment – you can’t plan out all of your social interactions ahead of time.

In many ways, the social skills aspect of emotional intelligence is about becoming a type of “emotional leader.”

___

Check out our emotional intelligence quiz and see what you score. It’s not scientific or serious, but it can be a fun and interesting way to spark some self-reflection.

___

Enter your email to stay updated on new articles in self improvement: