In what ways are we projecting weakness and telling others to “please kick me” without even realizing it? An important lesson on how to not perpetuate our own victimhood.
When an evil and hurtful person chooses a victim, they are often looking for signs of weakness and vulnerability.
Of course this doesn’t justify their hurtful actions, but it can help us explain them and perhaps prevent them in the future.
To be clear, a victim never deserves the bad things that happen to them. If I happen to leave my car unlocked in a busy parking lot, that doesn’t mean I deserved to have my stuff stolen anymore than if I had my car locked.
The bad deed is always the responsibility of the bad actor. They chose their bad actions – it’s their fault that it happened, not yours. And it’s their guilt that they have to deal with.
However, one simple and uncomfortable truth is: bad people exist. They always will, even if they are a small minority of people. And if they see an opportunity to take advantage of someone, they are going to take it.
A car that is unlocked is more likely to be broken into than a car that is locked. It’s one less hurdle for the evil person to overcome to succeed at their bad deed. It’s a weakness – and some are willing to take advantage of it. That’s why car locks exist in the first place, right?
Evil and predatory people are constantly trying to scope out our weaknesses. In one interesting study, it was shown that street criminals can often choose their victims simply based on how they walk. If a person has a slouched posture, looks down at the ground, and walks sluggishly, a criminal is more likely to see that person as weak and submissive.
Often we aren’t even aware of these weaknesses when we are projecting them. And that can be a dangerous thing, because we don’t realize the ways we are making ourselves vulnerable.
Projecting Weakness: The “Please Don’t Kick Me” Game
When we project weakness, it doesn’t just make us susceptible to physical abuse but psychological abuse as well.
Psychological weakness can lead to toxic and negative relationships because we end up broadcasting to abusive people that we are easily manipulated. And that highlights us as a new target for the next narcissist or psychopath.
In Eric Berne’s classic psychology book Games People Play, he describes one social game we sometimes play called “Kick Me.” This game is very illustrative of a “victim mentality” that can often become self-perpetuating.
According to Berne, this game is the equivalent of putting a sign on your back saying, “Please don’t kick me,” and then wondering why we keep getting kicked. We turn to the person who kicks us and say “But the sign says don’t kick me, so why did you kick me?”
The paradox is that if you’re the type of person who needs to say “please don’t kick me,” it signals that you’re the type of person who gets kicked around a lot. So by broadcasting your weakness (even in the name of protection), you actually end up making yourself more susceptible to abuse.
It’s almost like telling people “don’t think of a white bear” – it immediately puts the idea in their mind to start thinking about a “white bear.”
Of course the average person will respect your wishes and not kick you. But the bad person (who exists) will see your plea for respect as a sign that you don’t command respect naturally – and that may motivate them to take advantage of it.
One time a girl I was dating asked me, “If I cheated on you, do you think you’d take me back?”
I told her about a time earlier in my life when I did accept a girl back after she cheated on me. Deep down, I ultimately believed in forgiveness and second-chances, so I told her “Yes.”
Needless to say, by broadcasting this to her, she eventually ended up cheating on me because she figured I would still take her back anyway. This was partly my fault, because I left that option available when I shouldn’t have.
In a sense, I should have should have “faked” an appearance of strength in that moment and told her “No” (even if I wasn’t completely sure). But instead I told her “Yes, I’ve been kicked in the past and I let people get away with it – but please don’t kick me again!”
If I wanted to be honest but still strong, I could’ve said…”If I’m smart, no.”
That’s just a tiny example, but it touches on an mindset that is much deeper.
One problem with the “victim mentality” is that we get some psychological satisfaction telling others how we’ve been wronged in the past and how life is so unfair to us – but this mindset can never lead to real confidence, or strength, or safety.
If you’re playing the “victim” all the time, you may be trapped in a Drama Triangle, where someone else is always playing the “persecutor,” and someone else always steps in as the “rescuer.”
Who is playing the role of “persecutor?” And how much of your relationship is defined by this “victim-persecutor” dynamic? This is the dynamic of a toxic and abusive relationship.
Who is playing the role of “rescuer?” Who do you always go to when you’ve been wronged? Who loves to be your shoulder to cry on? The “victim-rescuer” dynamic can also become unhealthy if it’s the only reason the relationship exists.
If your relationships follow these types of patterns, it’s something to be aware of. You may be playing a contributing role to the drama and problems in your life, and it’s time to make a serious change in your mindset.
Accepting Weakness With Strength
At this point you might be thinking to yourself, “Oh so I’m just supposed to pretend to be strong all the time? Never show my weaknesses to anyone ever? Just bottle them up and march forward?”
No, that’s not what I’m saying exactly. It’s very important that we are 100% honest with ourselves – including both our strengths and weaknesses. And it’s also very important that we are able to discuss our problems openly and comfortably with other people.
However, it’s important to share your weaknesses and vulnerabilities with the right people in the right situation. There’s no need to share everything with everyone all-the-time.
If you complain and talk about your problems too much, then you’re broadcasting to everyone that you’re a person filled with drama and problems. That may gain you some sympathy points, but it won’t generate a lot of respect and dignity.
Yes, we need to talk about our deepest worries, anxieties, problems, and weaknesses. We all crave emotional validation from others so that we don’t feel completely alone, but these conversations are for people whom we really trust like loved ones, close friends, support groups, and mental health professionals.
These conversations don’t have to for everyone. There is a strength in keeping certain things private and discreet. In our world full of “over-sharing,” I know that may be hard to believe.
When in doubt, silence is always a position of inner strength and inner peace, especially when one truly knows and accepts themselves. They feel no need to defend or rationalize.
And if you do communicate openly and honestly, it’s important to avoid becoming an emotional manipulator. Don’t use your emotions as a weapon to change others, manipulate them, or get what you want. And don’t “play the victim” just to gain attention or sympathy.
When you “re-live” your past experiences in this way and use them as a weapon to change others, you not only belittle their importance but you also limit your potential to truly grow and learn from them.
It’s a difficult process, but ultimately you need to start letting go of your “victim mentality” if you want to become a stronger and more resilient person. It’s not helping you.
Share your problems wisely.
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