One-upmanship is the habit of always trying to “one up” people’s stories and accomplishments. Do you know someone like this? Here’s why it can become an unhealthy pattern that ultimately hurts our relationships.
In sports or business, it’s important to “one up” your competition to prove you’re better than everyone else – but this same principle doesn’t necessarily apply to healthy relationships.
Competition can be fun and healthy sometimes – it can even motivate you to become a better person; but not everything in life is a competition, especially when it comes to how we view our social interactions and relationships.
Unfortunately, many people can’t help but see themselves in constant struggle and competition with others, often due to excessive social comparison; we compare our lives to our family, friends, and coworkers to determine if we are “winning” or “losing” at the game of life.
What is One-upmanship?
One way our competitive nature shows itself in our relationships is through the practice of “one-upmanship.”
One-upmanship is the simple but destructive habit of trying to “one up” everything someone says or does.
For example, when someone shares a story to a friend about how they finally got into the college they really wanted to go to, but then the friend responds with, “Oh yeah? Well I just got accepted into an Ivy League school!”
Subconsciously, the one-upper can’t help but have to constantly prove to himself “I’m better!”
One-upmanship can become a type of social game that people get caught playing. No matter what someone says, the other person has to think of something even better.
This can occasionally be a fun and enjoyable game, especially if everyone’s on the same page such as a good game of “What’s the craziest experience you’ve ever had?” or “What’s the grossest thing you’ve ever eaten?” or “Have you ever…?”
In those types of games, one-upmanship is clearly meant to be just playful banter to help people get to know each other better.
The problem arises when there’s only one person who is always playing “one-upmanship,” and everyone else isn’t. Then the game quickly becomes uncomfortable, annoying, or toxic.
Do you know someone who constantly needs to chime in and make the conversation about themselves? Who always needs to interrupt with, “This one time, I…”
Different Types of One-upmanship
One-upmanship can take many different forms. We can try to “one up” people when it comes to both positive experiences and negative experiences.
For example, when someone shares a story about a bad day they had because their boss reprimanded them, but then a friend responds with, “Oh yeah? Well, I had a bad day where my boss almost fired me in front of everyone!”
When it comes to both happiness and suffering, people can “one up” other people’s experiences to make their lives seems more interesting or important.
Talking about your problems too much can become a different type of “one-upmanship,” but instead of playing the game “Mine Is Better!” we get caught playing the game “Poor Me!”
Both are games designed to exaggerate, dramatize, and create some form of meaning in our lives (however cheap).
Often this type of dramatic thinking is a result of our inner child who just wants to be accepted, loved, and listened to.
When someone tries to “one up,” they are often trying to artificially boost their own ego and self-importance, while also belittling and undermining the other person’s experience.
While this behavior can often appear narcissistic or arrogant to an outside observer, it can actually be a sign of a deep-down insecurity.
If you notice someone getting caught in any type of game of one-upmanship, recognize that they are ultimately just trying to find ways to be accepted.
When I have to deal with difficult people, I often remind myself that everyone just wants to be happy, but some people are just really misguided about it.
Healthy Sharing
Of course, it’s perfectly reasonable to want to talk about yourself and share your stories with others.
If someone brings up something that is related to an event that happened to you, then it makes sense you’d want to share your experience as well. That’s just natural conversation threading when it comes to finding similarities and connecting with someone.
One guideline to keep in mind during any conversation: for every fact or story you share about yourself, ask one question about the other person. That way the conversation is always a dialogue rather than a monologue.
Sharing yourself is good – you have the right to take up space like everyone else in this world.
The unhealthy trap is when you always feel the need to out-do someone else’s story and always feel compelled to make the conversation about you.
Let other people enjoy the spotlight.
Instead of being jealous (or feeling the need to belittle) other people’s success, you can be happy for other people’s success and congratulate them on their accomplishments.
You can celebrate their positive stories with them and let their happiness become a part of your happiness, rather than a competition.
Enter your email to stay updated on new articles in self improvement: