When you have a bad interaction with someone, how quickly can you let it go? The answer can make all the difference in your happiness and relationships.
A positive attitude is directly related to how fast you can let go of negativity.
Has it ever happened to you when you have a negative conversation with someone and it eats up all your energy for the rest of the day? You start ruminating about it at work, at home, and even while in bed waiting to fall asleep.
This is especially true when the source of negativity is an avoided or unresolved argument with family, friends, coworkers, or loved ones.
There’s a common rule in relationships to “never go to bed angry at each other.” This is wise advice according to new research.
In one study that analyzed everyday experiences of stress in over 2,000 individuals, researchers discovered that when people resolved arguments the day they happened, they significantly cut down their negative emotions and stress associated with that situation.
Even better, the day after the argument those who resolved their disputes reported no negative emotions carrying over from the previous day.
“Emotional residue” is when we continue to experience the after-effects of an emotion long after we’ve reacted to the initial event.
When it comes to unresolved arguments, you wake up the next day thinking to yourself, “Oh no, did I really say that to them?” or “It doesn’t feel good being on John’s bad side,” or “We still have a lot more to discuss.”
Our negative emotions continue to linger and fester when they aren’t adequately confronted or resolved – this is what causes emotions to cling to us and makes it harder to let them go.
Interestingly, the study also found that older adults (65+) were 40% more likely than younger adults to report their conflicts as resolved before the day ended.
The researchers theorized this could be because older adults have more experience with navigating relationships and resolving social disputes – or they just don’t want to spend their remaining years being more negative than necessary.
It’s also possible that as one gets older, one finds most daily arguments to not be that big of a deal in the “grand scheme of things,” so they find it easier to let these little stressors go.
Every emotion has a natural lifespan – this too shall pass – but there are also many ways we carry “emotional residue” with us far longer than is healthy or necessary.
One new study published in the Journal of Neuroscience found that the longer your brain holds onto negative stimuli – such as a spilled drink or a rude comment – the more unhappy people report being.
How long your brain holds onto a negative event can be just as important as its initial reaction.
In theory, if your brain reacts strongly to a negative event but lets it go quicker, that could lead to more long-term happiness than if your brain reacts mildly to a negative event but continues to hold onto it and let it boil inside you. That’s when the “emotional residue” begins to build up.
While it’s likely that depressed and anxious brains are more naturally wired to cling to negative events, we know that these brain patterns can be adjusted through neuroplasticity, by learning cognitive skills such as reframing or meditation.
There are multiple ways to respond to any emotion. Once you recognize you have a choice in these responses, you begin to find new and better ways to channel your feelings.
Self-regulation (or “self-control”) is the ability to accept an emotion and respond to it in a healthy and constructive way; it’s considered one of the main pillars behind emotional intelligence.
You don’t always choose how you feel, but you do choose how you respond to that feeling. This is the difference between “Someone bumped into me, I’m going to yell at them for being an idiot!” vs. “Someone bumped into me, they must be in a rush, it’s not that big of a deal.”
Let Bygones Be Bygones: The Art of Letting Go
It’s important we know how to forgive people’s mistakes and “let bygones be bygones.”
In unhealthy relationships, people have a tendency to count up people’s misdeeds and mistakes and keep a mental track record of their partner’s history.
A person will say they forgive someone, but then the negative event always seems to come back up to be used as a weapon in some future heated argument – only increasing conflict and hostility.
Again, this reveals “emotional residue” – a sign of someone carrying an experience with them and not being able to let it go.
It’s possible the person isn’t capable of forgiving right now. In which case, it may be time to cut ties and end the relationship. But so long as the emotional residue lingers, the relationship is in a fragile place.
Relationships are not a cold calculation of “rights” and “wrongs.” If you’re keeping track of everything someone has done to you, you’re going to have a hard time moving forward in any relationship.
To build a better future, you have to be willing to forgive the past and sometimes wipe the slate clean.
If you can’t let bygones be bygones, you’ll always be stuck in the past in one form or another.
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