When someone talks about their problems, it’s tempting to want to help and offer advice. However, new research shows the most important thing is to just listen and validate their feelings.
When someone comes to you talking about their problems or struggles in life, it’s tempting to want to give advice, support, and try to help them in some way. Most people don’t enjoy seeing others hurting or in pain.
However, new research is showing that often the best response to comfort others is simply to validate their feelings without trying to change them or their behavior.
Most of the time when people talk about their problems, they aren’t looking for your advice or opinion. Instead, they just want you to be there, listen, nod your head, and say “Damn, I feel you. That really sucks.” That’s the only response they really need.
Don’t try to tell them what they “should” do and don’t tell them that they are “overreacting” (even if you believe they are). That’s bad advice that often just makes people more upset and angry – it doesn’t make them feel better.
When you give emotional validation to others, you are showing them, “I am listening to you. I understand how you feel. And these emotions are completely normal and reasonable.”
People want to know that their feelings are normal and make sense. When we feel like we are experiencing something that is “wrong” or “weird,” then we are more likely to dwell on that feeling and try to fix it or change it, rather than accepting it as a natural part of living.
One study published in the Journal of Communication asked 325 married adults to imagine themselves having a conversation with someone about a recent argument with their spouse.
The researchers prepared 6 different types of “support messages.” Some of these messages were less “person-centered” – meaning they didn’t validate the other person’s thoughts or feelings. These included advice such as “Nobody is worth getting so worked up about” or “Everyone has arguments.”
The more “person-centered” messages included phrases such as “You have every right to feel upset” and “It’s understandable that you are stressed out.”
Results showed that the more “person-centered” messages – the ones that included emotional validation – were seen by the receiver as both more comforting and more convincing.
Other research supports the idea that there isn’t necessarily a “right thing” to say when someone is feeling negative. And trying too hard to say the right thing can actually backfire by leading to “clumsy statements that do more harm than good.”
Your presence and attention are the most important ingredients when it comes to trying to comfort others.
Listening has a healing power all on its own. The power of being heard can have a transformative effect on our relationships – and society as a whole – by helping us to see things from other people’s perspective, accepting them, and finding ways to compromise and work together.
By just listening, you give someone an opportunity to express themselves and be honest with themselves. And sometimes that is all people need.
So don’t put too much pressure on yourself when someone begins talking about their problems and struggles in life. Just be there, listen, and say “I feel you.”
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