How to Build Thick Skin and Stop Being So Sensitive

What does it mean to have “thick skin?” Often it describes a person who is able to take criticism, insults, and unpleasant information without getting too emotional and riled up about it.

A person who doesn’t have thick skin can be very sensitive and over-reactive. They have very thin skin – so it’s easy to get under it and disturb their inner peace. You’ll often find them yelling, crying, or being defensive whenever they feel they are being threatened by something – even something that seems small and harmless to an outside observer.

But a person with thick skin knows how to stay calm under pressure. When they feel threatened, they know how to remain centered, and they don’t crumble or break apart emotionally when something doesn’t go the way they want.

To have “thick skin” is to respond in a calm, neutral, and stoic way even when something inside you is burning.

Having “thick skin” is an important part of emotional intelligence. It represents the “self-regulation” pillar of emotional intelligence, which is about learning how to manage your thoughts, speech, and behaviors, even when you feel the most negative and painful of emotions.

That’s easier said than done. We are all “sensitive” about certain things, and even the calmest minds get rattled every now and then.

However, we can develop “thick skin” if we are equipped with right tools and mindset to better manage our emotions. Let’s dive more into what it means to be a sensitive person and how we can better regulate our emotional responses.

How sensitive are you?

We are all “sensitive” to something. We all have our triggers – words, phrases, behaviors, or stimuli that immediately gets under our skin and causes an automatic reaction, without us even thinking or second-guessing ourselves.

Take a moment and ask yourself: What do you get sensitive about? When’s the last time someone got under your skin – why?

Certain people are naturally more sensitive than others, especially when it comes to picking up cues from our environment and social interactions. Some research suggests that individuals with social anxiety or social phobia are better attuned to negative facial expressions than the average person.

Increased sensitivity and awareness can make us more attuned to the details of our environment, but it can also quickly become overwhelming and difficult to manage.

Some people describe themselves as a highly sensitive person (HSP), including myself. Psychologists say this describes about 1 in 5 people. The most common traits of HSP include:

• Depth of processing: HSP often need more time to process information from their environment, thus it is important for them to make time for healthy reflection.
• Over arousal: HSP often become more reactive and aroused on an emotional and physical level. This can lead to increased stress and anxiety, so it’s important they learn how to manage daily stress effectively.
• High empathy: HSP are often very empathetic and are frequently experiencing other people’s emotions from a first person perspective. Sometimes they are so sensitive to other people’s feelings and boundaries that they forget they have the right to take up space too.
• Sensitivity to subtle stimuli: HSP often pick up certain information that wouldn’t be noticed by others. They can be very detail-oriented, which has both its benefits and costs.

Psychologists believe much of the differences in people who are highly sensitive can be contributed to differences in how our nervous systems process information.

Have you ever watched someone embarrass themselves and you became just as embarrassed as them? Maybe you even began blushing yourself, even though you didn’t do anything? This “secondary embarrassment” can often be a sign that you are a highly sensitive person (specifically when it comes to the “high empathy” aspect).

Clearly, there are many benefits to being a sensitive person. They can often connect with people on a deeper level, be more attuned to their environment, and be more introspective and creative as well.

However, sometimes this high sensitivity can become tiresome, unhealthy, and counterproductive. It’s important we know how to manage our “sensitivity” and even be able to turn it “up” or “down” when we need it.

“Turning down” your sensitivity

When you are too sensitive, it often means you are focusing too much on information that shouldn’t really matter to you.

It’s better to “turn down” your sensitivity sometimes by knowing what information to ignore or delete.

Someone may say to you, “Damn, your band really sucks” and you can’t stop thinking about it because it bothers you so much. Maybe you want to yell at them, or punch them, or tell them how much their band sucks more.

What do these emotional reactions really accomplish? What do you gain from it? You’re just giving it free real estate in your mind.

Sure, it’s important to listen to people’s opinions, especially when they come from a constructive place with good intentions, but never place too much value on what one person thinks about you.

When it comes to certain things, no one’s opinion should matter but your own.

Too much sensitivity can stop you from following your goals and passions in life – it can stop you from being yourself, because you are too concerned with how other people think of you or how they will judge you if you take a different path.

If you look at most successful people in life, they will often have a layer of thick skin that desensitizes them from this type of unhelpful criticism and hate. In fact, the more successful you are, often the more criticism you have to tolerate on a daily basis – which means the thicker your skin is going to have to be.

Imagine you have a “giving a f$*!” meter in your brain. The next time you find yourself become too sensitive about something, visualize yourself turning down the fader and lowering your sensitivity level.

It’s a silly little visual, but it’s a fun way to remind yourself to chill.

How to build thick skin

Building thick skin is a lifetime project, it doesn’t just happen over-night. You need to train yourself to “care less” about the things you shouldn’t care about at all.

Here are key lessons to keep in mind while trying to build “thick skin” in your life. Try them out, be patient with yourself, and you’ll find it becomes easier to manage your emotions toward things that make you feel threatened and uncomfortable.

• Practice silence – You don’t have to respond to everything people say or do. Silence is one of the main actions of those with “thick skin.” They just let other people’s words and actions pass by them and don’t give them a second thought. Studies show silence can preserve mental resources when someone makes a rude or impolite comment, so don’t waste your energy responding to people all the time.
• Focus on your strengths. – It’s easy to focus on all the negative information about yourself and forget all the positive information, including your strengths, talents, skills, and past accomplishments. Give yourself more credit. Often we take our natural strengths for granted because they come so easy to us, but we all have them. Remind yourself all the ways you create value in the world – cultivate an inner sense of confidence and self-worth that no one else can touch.
• Reframe your weaknesses. – What we perceive as a weakness can also sometimes be a strength in disguise. Learn how to see your weaknesses in a different light and reframe your weaknesses. You may discover that you have more strengths than you realize, you just need to think of them in the right way and balance them more effectively.
• Invite more criticism – One way to build thicker skin is to actively invite more criticism into your life. Ask people, “What did you think?” but learn to not take anything they say too personally. The more criticism you receive, the more feedback you get, but also the more desensitized you become to it overall. Feedback becomes a normal part of the growth process, rather than something you need to actively avoid or be fearful of.
• Go outside of your “comfort zone” – Try exposing yourself to things that you aren’t comfortable with or don’t think you’ll like; even if it’s just watching a type of movie you think you’ll hate, or listening to a genre of music you think you can’t stand, or watching a political show you usually disagree with – you’ll learn to become more tolerant of things that go against your preferences, which is a strong sign of thicker skin. Who knows, you may even discover new things you like or new aspects of yourself? You can always go back to your comfort zone later to relax and recharge.
• Pay attention to things that offend you – When you find yourself feeling offended or threatened by something someone says, ask yourself, “What about this really bothers me?” Question your feelings and you may discover something insightful about where they are coming from – sometimes it has nothing to do with what is being said, but what it reminds you of.
• Avoid exaggerating thinking – Often times when people seem too sensitive, it’s because they are taking part in some type of exaggerated thinking. They are taking a small situation and turning into something much bigger than it is in the grand scheme of things. Sensitivity is the art of turning the molehill into a mountain.
• Find someone you can open up to – It’s healthy to express your thoughts and feelings, but you have to do it around the right people. We all need that one person in life who tells us, “I feel you,” and provides us that emotional validation that we all need (so we don’t feel like we’re going insane). This can be a close friend or family member, or even a mental health coach, therapist, or mentor who listens to your thoughts and feelings in a non-judgmental way.
• Trust yourself – Don’t seek people’s approval all of the time, remember that the only thing that really matters is your own approval. As the great psychologist Fritz Perls once said, “Our dependency makes slaves out of us, especially if this dependency is a dependency of our self-esteem. If you need encouragement, praise, pats on the back from everybody, then you make everybody your judge.” Put the ultimate trust in yourself to make the right decisions for you.

There is no easy path to thick skin, it requires time, effort, and patience.

You can only build “thicker skin” by trusting your ability to explore life and overcome its obstacles. It can only be built through practice and experience – not just reading articles like this.

The ideas mentioned above are a good starting point, but now it’s time to face reality and grow stronger.

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