Emotional Independence: How to Build an Unbreakable Center in Yourself

What is emotional independence?

Emotional independence is being able to live your life without constantly getting pushed and pulled by your feelings. It’s a mental state where you are no longer a slave to your emotions, but instead know how to accept and manage them in a healthy and constructive way.

When our happiness and well-being is constantly tied to external things…such as food, shopping, alcohol, money, physical appearance, material luxuries, drugs, sex, entertainment, or even other people…then it’s very difficult to build a stable core inside us.

Emotional independence comes from finding internal sources of happiness, so that when your external circumstances are always changing, you can remain balanced and centered in yourself.

What is your relationship with your emotions? Start by taking my Emotional Intelligence Quiz to find out what you score. But don’t take the results too seriously, this is just a good place to start thinking about how you manage your emotions.

To develop emotional independence, we must first learn how to reframe our perspective and change the way we look at any given situation.

When you adopt a more flexible mindset, then you can take something positive or constructive out of any experience, regardless of what temporary external circumstances are.

That gives you a lot of freedom in your daily life. It teaches you that the external doesn’t have as much of an influence over you as the internal.

Give more attention to the internal. Recognize the ways you can change your mindset with nothing but your own mind. Key “internal sources” of happiness include:

• Being present and enjoying the moment.
• Reflecting on things you are grateful for in life.
• Reminiscing on good times in your life.
• Recognizing your value and self-worth.
• Being creative and making the most with what you have.
• Being able to regulate your daily stress and emotions.
• Reframing your perspective on any given situation.

The truth is: You can generate your own happiness. But it takes practice to get good at it.

All of the activities listed above are a thousand times more important than any external reward or pleasure.

When you start to master your internal world, your external world begins to fall into place. But the paradox is: You need to start caring less about the external before you can gain more control over it.

The more you focus on the external – and the more you look outside of yourself for happiness and joy, the more difficult it is to obtain happiness and joy. The more chaotic things become. Because you aren’t grounded and centered in yourself.

Studies show that individual who have an “internal locus of control” often experience less stress and are better able to navigate uncertainty. Check out my “Locus of Control” Quiz to assess how much power and control you believe you have over your life.

Letting Go of Desire: The Power of NOT Getting What You Want

Letting go of desires is often more important than indulging your desires when it comes to long-term happiness.

Sometimes not getting what you want is exactly what you need.

Seeking too much pleasure can backfire.

The hedonic treadmill is an important concept in psychology that shows how the more you indulge in pleasurable experiences, the more you begin to grow a “tolerance” toward them – and then you always need a bigger dose to get the same “high” or level of satisfaction.

Moderating pleasure is the key to maximizing pleasure.

In theory, someone can develop an addiction or dependency toward anything that gives them pleasure – food, sex, drugs, people, video games, etc. – and that’s always something to be mindful of. Your core dependency may not be what you expect it to be.

Of course, engaging in the “good life” in moderation is fine. You don’t have to completely abstain from worldly pleasures to be “emotionally independent.” The important thing is your relationship with temporary pleasure.

What’s something in your life you feel dependent on? What would happen if you took a week long break from it? It’s important to teach yourself how to be happy with less if you want to truly master your mindset and well-being.

For example, if you always need to eat fast food, watch videos on YouTube, play video games, or be around a certain person to feel good about yourself, then what happens when you can no longer get your fix? If you’re truly addicted and dependent, you will begin to experience withdrawals. Then, the pain and suffering you feel from not being able to satisfy all these desires becomes that much worse.

Like a junkie, you may even go through desperate and unhealthy measures to reclaim that short and temporary high. But you can’t keep chasing temporary highs all your life. Happiness needs to be rooted in something deeper, not simple sensations of pleasure and pain.

How can we develop an unbreakable center that isn’t easily swayed by temporary feelings, cravings, and desires? How can we develop true emotional independence from our external world?

Emotional Independence: An Unbreakable Center

Mindfulness is a non-reactive acceptance of our circumstances without judging them as necessarily “good” or “bad.” It’s usually seen as synonymous with “being calm and relaxed,” but it’s much more than that.

Instead of having our strings pulled by every little stimulus that enters our lives, mindfulness allows us to take a step back and accept things for what they are, without always feeling like we need to “react” to something or “fix” it.

Achieving complete acceptance and mindfulness is something that can likely only be achieved by an experienced meditator, but it’s something we can start cultivating it in our own daily lives with practice.

How to Build Emotional Independence…

• Use your breath as an anchor. No matter where you are in life, your breath is always with you. Think of your breath as an “anchor to the present moment” that you can always depend on. Practice a simple 100 Breaths Meditation to become more aware of your breathing and cultivate greater awareness of the present moment.
• Focus on what is in your power. We cause ourselves so much unnecessary pain and stress by worrying about things that are outside of our control. And the worst part is: it’s a complete waste of energy. The first step in taking more control over your life is to focus on what is in your power. The quicker you can “let go” of what you can’t control, the more focus and energy you can dedicate toward the areas in your life you actually have an influence over.
• See the bigger picture. One of the most powerful ways to overcome your temporary emotions is to “zoom out” and see the bigger picture. When it comes to the little stuff that often gets under our skin, the best question to ask yourself is, “Am I really going to care about this in a week, month, or year?” Probably not.
• Remove yourself from toxic situations. One of the best ways to master your emotions is to recognize what your triggers are. If a certain person or environment tends to always bring out the worst in you, then sometimes the best way to “keep yourself in check” is to simply remove yourself from the situation entirely. By creating boundaries between you and your negative patterns, you can avoid even giving yourself the opportunity to fall into your old ways.
• Everything is temporary. One of my favorite mantras during any difficult time is “This too shall pass.” The reminder that all of our experiences are ultimately impermanent and temporary can give you a powerful injection of strength to be more resilient in the face of any rough patch in life – knowing the wisdom that nothing lasts forever.
• Willpower is a muscle that can be strengthened. You won’t develop an impenetrable attitude overnight. This stuff takes a lot of practice and a lot of failure. Most likely, you’ll still get frustrated at that crying baby on the bus, or when you spill your drink, or when a deadline at work begins approaching. It’s nearly impossible to be completely non-reactive to your circumstances, but with practice you can become less reactive – and that can make a big difference over time.

These are important guidelines for overcoming situational happiness and developing emotional independence.

By remembering these tips, tools, and advice, we begin to take greater control over our internal states, and that can often be a lot easier than trying to always fulfill our external desires.

Be patient and keep improving yourself.

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