Do You Talk About Your Problems Too Much? How We Become Addicted to Negativity

We all need to express our feelings every now and then – and it’s good to have people who will just listen and be supportive of us when we are feeling down and in the dirt.

However, there’s a point where you can talk about your problems too much – and even become addicted to your negative experiences and emotions.

For example, a recent study shows how we can sometimes become addicted to negative emotions like grief and disappointment. And another study shows how painful experiences can even activate “pleasure centers” in the brain.

Perhaps this is because we often prefer feeling “something” rather than “nothing” – even if it happens to be a negative and painful experience.

In the same way, many people depend on their problems and drama to feel alive and important. And they have to constantly talk about these problems and share them with others.

When you talk about your problems over and over again, they can often seem much worse than they really are.

Every time you talk about a negative experience, you’re re-living it in your mind. The more you feel the need to share your problems with others, the more you are feeding into that negativity and pain.

This is especially true if you like to engage in exaggerated thinking when you talk about your problems. We all know people who are like this, those who are experts at turning anthills into mountains.

The littlest thing happens to them – like they spill coffee on their pants, or someone makes a rude comment to them – and they will go around sharing and re-telling this tragic story with everyone.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that you should never talk about your problems, but you should try to do so in a healthy and modest way. Choose your conversations wisely.

Here are practical and useful tips to keep in mind the next time you feel the urge to talk about your problems.

How to Talk About Problems in a Healthy Way

• Choose the right people to talk to. – Find people who are actually willing to take the time to listen to you – and who you trust not to judge you. Don’t just dump your “emotional baggage” on anyone you come into contact with. A close friend, therapist, or coach are great options for when you want to vent your emotions or go on a rant without worrying about anything. We all need people in our lives to give us emotional validation, but it’s important you choose the right people to share with.
• Don’t talk anyone’s ear off. – Don’t overload anyone and talk beyond your welcome. Even if someone does at first listen to you talk about your problems and responds in a sympathetic way, recognize when it’s time to end the topic or switch to something new. Pay particular attention to when someone is just being “polite” or “nice,” but isn’t actually interested in diving into your problems with you. Also be careful of one-upmanship, where someone shares a story about themselves (such as a bad experience they had recently), and you feel the need to “one-up” them by telling a similar story and turning the focus back on you.
• Minimize exaggerations. – You don’t have to overreact and paint a tragic picture of your problems like you’re Shakespeare. It’s perfectly possible to talk about your problems in a calm and “matter of fact” tone. Pay attention to these 3 common types of exaggerating such as “overgeneralizing,” “catastrophizing,” and “jumping to conclusions.” How we choose to talk about a problem can sometimes be more important than the problem itself.
  

• Use humor. One study discovered humor can be a great way to deal with stress and negative emotions. Try to poke fun at yourself and laugh about your problems. You don’t have to take things so seriously all of the time. Even dark humor about very negative experiences can have a healing effect if we use it in the right way.
• Write about your problems. One of the best ways to express your negative thoughts and feelings is through the power of writing. Try a simple “brain drain” exercise, where you just write whatever pops into your mind for 5-10 minutes. Often our desire to talk about our problems comes from needing to express them and channel them somewhere, so writing can be a great substitute if you have no one to speak to.
• Focus on solutions vs. problems. If you’re going to talk about your problems, try to approach them from a solution-oriented perspective. Don’t just complain, try to think about what you can actively do about it. If it’s something you can’t change because you have no power over it, then focus on channeling your focus and energy into something more healthy and productive.
• Watch your language. How you talk about your problems is important. Try to downplay your negativity by choosing different words. For example instead of saying “I had a really bad day,” — say “I had a little bit of a bad day.” It may sound like a very small and trivial change, but it can have a big influence on your mood in the long-term. It also teaches you how to be more patient and compassionate when you speak about yourself.
• Learn how to practice silence. You don’t have to talk about every bad thing that happens to you. Why not just let some things come and go, and be done with it? Practice silence every now and then, studies show it can preserve your energy when someone says something negative to you and you feel the urge to reply back. Remind yourself that you don’t have to speak every thought you have – just let some thoughts come and go.
• Be mindful of what you share on the internet. The internet has led to what I call an “over-sharing” epidemic, where people don’t seem to value their privacy anymore and instead love to broadcast every little thing about their lives to the entire world. Learn to keep some things to yourself or only share them with a select few people you really care about.
• Practice balance. Everything is about balance, you don’t have to stop talking about your problems completely, just recognize there is a healthy time and place for it. Context is everything.

Do you talk about your problems too much? Be honest. Ask someone for their opinion if you’re feeling really brave.

If you accept that you talk a little too much about your problems, the advice above is a good place to start changing.

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