Do We All Have Multiple Selves? How to Embrace a More Dynamic Version of You

Our personality is often much more flexible than we think, especially depending on the situation and context.

We often change our habits, speech, body posture, facial expressions, and behaviors depending on the context of a situation and the people we are interacting with.

In this way, one could say we put on different “selves” or “personas” depending on who it is we are interacting with and where we are.

How you interact with a friend from college is going to be very different than how you interact with your boss (different people). And how you interact in a classroom is going to be very different than how you interact at a party or bar (different situations).

The book Me, Myself, and Us: The Science of Personality and the Art of Well-Being describes how our personalities are influenced by 3 main factors: biogenic (genes and biology), sociogenic (environment and culture), and ideogenic (personal constructs and goals).

According to renowned psychologist and professor Brian R. Little, the ideogenic factors are what create the “degrees of freedom” we have over our personalities.

A mother may be very introverted (biological) and have been raised in a quiet household (social), but when she throws a party for her daughter she becomes active and out-going for her guests, because being a “good mother” is a personal goal that means a lot to her (ideogenic).

We all act “out of character” every now and then – and it’s not always a bad thing; sometimes it’s even necessary for being a happier, healthier, and more dynamic human being.

In many ways, self-improvement is about embracing new aspects of ourselves that we don’t naturally embrace.

As we get older and gain more experience in life, it’s inevitable that we will change in many ways. Maybe things you used to value when you were younger aren’t as important to you anymore (such as fame, money, or status). Maybe things you used to not care about are now your new priorities (family and friends, education, mental health). It’s important that we accept this dynamic self as we often change a lot more than we realize throughout our lifetime.

Here are great principles to keep in mind while embracing this more dynamic self.

Identify with multiple identities

When we put all of ourselves into one singular identity, that can make things difficult when we experience turbulence in that area of our lives.

For example, say you’re an accountant and you identify a lot with your job. But then something unexpected happens and you lose your job. That can create a lot of pain in anyone’s life, but the pain will be even more for someone who completely identifies with their profession.

It often helps to remind ourselves that we play multiple identities and multiple selves throughout our lives, even on a day-to-day basis.

You’re not just an accountant – you’re also a husband, a father, a son, a painter, a friend, a volunteer, and an avid comic book reader.

The more identities you align with, the more “degrees of freedom” you have over your personality because you don’t just see yourself in one way and one way only.

In fact, one interesting study published in Developmental Science discovered that when children are made aware of the multiple roles they play in life (such as “sister,” “neighbor,” and “friend”), they become more flexible thinkers and problem-solvers.

We wear many hats in life. Maybe some situations it is better to put the “leader/boss” hat on, while other situations call for the “friend” hat, or “lover” hat, or “kindness” hat. If you know when to put on or take off these multiple “hats,” you’ll be able to navigate life more effectively.

So remember: you are a person of many different multitudes and dynamics – and there is a lot of freedom and flexibility to be found there.

When it’s good to act out of character

To achieve certain goals in life, we sometimes have to act in ways that go beyond our typical personality and comfort zone.

In the book Me, Myself, and Us, Dr. Little reflects on his own introverted tendencies and how he often prefers to spend time by himself. However, when he gives lectures or public speeches he puts on an “extravert act.”

It’s not his typical personality from a biogenic standpoint, but from an ideogenic standpoint Dr. Little identifies himself as a “teacher” – he has a passion for what he does and he enjoys teaching psychology to his students – thus it brings out a different side of him.

It’s easier to embrace new aspects of ourselves if it serves a bigger purpose in our lives, especially if we can relate it back to one of our core values.

For example, perhaps you don’t typically see yourself as a “fitness person” who eats right and goes to the gym every day. But if you reframe your “health goals” in terms of one of your core values (like “being healthier so I can be there for my family”), then it’ll be easier for you to expand yourself and try new things.

Also, by going out of our comfort zone – and “acting out of character” – we can even surprise ourselves and learn something that we didn’t know about ourselves before.

As we try new things, our identity expands.

Therefore, trying something new is always an act of self-discovery and self-expansion.

Make use of “restorative niches”

Whenever we act “out of character” (or how we normally behave) it can often become stressful and overwhelming.

It takes physical and mental effort to try to act different from your usual patterns of thought and behavior. This is especially true if we are going against our biogenic and sociogenic tendencies.

Because of this it’s very important that we have “restorative niches” to go back to when we want to rest up and feel like our “normal self” again.

Maybe you’re a very competitive and argumentative person by nature. But you recently had to go to a family reunion, so you put your best face on.

You had to smile more, be friendly toward everyone, and – perhaps most difficult for you – bite your tongue when someone was talking about their political beliefs.

All of this acting “out of character” takes energy out of you. But when you get home, you go right to your video games to tap into your competitive nature – or you go to that new forum to talk with politically like-minded people.

We all need restorative niches to go back to. After a long night of partying, an introvert may like to spend the next day just sitting at home and reading books. This is natural and healthy. It’s why I often defend our comfort zone because it serves a valuable purpose when we need to relax and recharge ourselves.

It’s good to be flexible and go against your natural tendencies, but you can’t forget that those natural tendencies still exist and you need to have ways to go back to them when you just want to “be your typical self” again.

New places and new people

One major theme in the book is how new places and new people can shape our personalities in different ways.

Often by throwing yourself in a new environment you discover new things about yourself – whether it’s going on a hiking trip for the first time, or traveling to a new country, or just going to a new restaurant you would’ve never thought about trying.

This plays off of the sociogenic factors behind who we are. Our childhood is shaped by the society and culture we are surrounded in. By exploring new cultures, we are also exploring more about ourselves.

We all prefer some places over others. Some people’s personalities work best in fast-paced, stimulating cities while other people’s personalities work best in slow-paced, relaxing, small towns.

While it’s important to take these personality factors into consideration when moving someplace new, this doesn’t discount the importance of traveling and going beyond our “typical self” (just don’t forget your restorative niche afterwards!)

This diversity in what we expose ourselves to in our environment also applies to people.

This is one big reason why I recommend we build a diverse group of friends, because different people bring out different sides of us. The more diverse the people you surround yourself with, the more balanced and well-rounded you become as a person.

If you only hang out with people who bring out a certain side of you, or you only hang out in places you are already comfortable with, then you limit yourself and your potential to expand and grow in new ways.

Think about the “opposite version” of yourself

According to the Myers-Briggs personality test, I’m an INTJ (which means I’m “introverted,” “intuitive,” “thinking,” and “judgmental”). It’s not the best personality test, but it does give a rough outline of the type of person I am.

However, I sometimes like to joke that I’m an INTJ working to become an ESFP.

Why? Because:

• I’m introverted (I), but there are situations I’d like to be more extraverted (E).
• I’m intuitive (N), but there are situations I’d like to be more sensing (S).
• I’m thinking-oriented (T), but there are situations I’d like to be more feeling-oriented (F).
• I’m judgmental (J), but there are situations I’d like to be more perceptive (P).

According to trait theory, none of these personality traits are “on” or “off,” but instead they are on a sliding scale. Very few people are 100% introverted or 100% extraverted, most of us are somewhere on a spectrum.

Thinking about the “opposite version” of yourself can be strange but insightful. Sometimes I like to close my eyes and imagine how differently I would respond to a situation if I was an ESFP.

Will I ever be an ESFP? Probably not – and I don’t want to be. However, thinking about different versions of myself helps expand those “degrees of freedom” I have over my actions and responses in life.

Think of each personality trait on a sliding scale. Before going to a big party or get-together, tell yourself you need to slide up your “Social/Outgoing” fader a bit. Before going into a job interview, tell yourself you need to slide up your “Confidence” fader a bit.

Try to think of times when you showed these traits in your past – and recognize that everyone has a little bit of every personality trait inside them – they just need to give themselves permission to access it.

It’s not about trying to be someone completely different, but recognizing that you already have these traits to some degree, you just need to cultivate them and embrace them more.

Conclusion

Do we all have multiple selves? In a way, yes.

And it’s not always about “being fake” or “pretending to be someone else” – even the healthiest people are constantly changing and transforming into slightly new and different people. That’s just part of being a dynamic human.

This is true for the many roles we play in our day-to-day lives (“mom,” “daughter,” “waitress,” “student,” “knitter”). And it’s also true for our lifetime as a whole.

Think about this: Who you were 10 years ago is different than who you are today. And who you will be 10 years in the future is going to be different than who you are now. We are dynamic and changing on a fundamental level.

How many roles do you play in life? Take a moment to reflect and make a list of the many different “identities” you have. You may be surprised to find out how dynamic you already are.

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