Hard to Talk About Topics: Write a Note to Someone Instead

“Healthy relationships are all about communication.”

That can sound like cliché advice, but only because it’s so obvious and true.

When people don’t communicate their thoughts and feelings in an honest way – and things are left unspoken – that frequently leads to problems later on in a relationship.

The more you suppress talking about these important topics, the bigger the problem becomes.

You can’t solve something that you aren’t willing to talk about.

Often it’s best to be honest and upfront sooner than later, because even trivial things can blow up into huge arguments when they aren’t brought out into the open.

If something important is left unsaid, it eventually bubbles back to the surface again in one form or another. You can’t suppress it forever.

This is a silly example, but pretend you sit next to a coworker who always taps their pen really loudly throughout the day, and this distracts you from work.

If you keep ignoring it, your irritation keeps building and building. Days go by, weeks go by, months go by. The loud tapping of the pen continues…

One day you are feeling very stressed out, and you finally snap – “Can you knock it off with that ******* clicking!”

In that moment, your response looks embarrassingly irrational and overblown, but only because you let your frustrations build up.

In theory, you could’ve just brought it up your first week on the job. Nothing serious or angry or judgmental, just a simple, “Hey, I’m sorry to be a bother, but that clicking is distracting me a bit when I’m on the phone talking with clients.”

If you can speak your concern in an honest, peaceful, and calm tone, the other person shouldn’t mind being more aware of their behaviors in the future.

Of course, there will always be difficult people too who may react negatively to you no matter what – that’s an unfortunate part of life.

My example is purposely trivial, but the mechanism is the same for more serious and important topics as well.

Better to be honest and hurt in the short-term than be dishonest and hurt in the long-term.

Honest and open communication is a prerequisite to healthy relationships, but there’s also tactics and strategies involved.

Just being “honest” is not an excuse to be mean, cruel, or try to hurt others. Conversations shouldn’t be viewed as a “battle” or “war” to win or lose.

Facts are meant to be information to improve dialogue, not weapons to attack others.

The fundamental goal of all conversations is to create a safe environment where everyone feels free to contribute to a “pool of shared meaning.”

The more relevant information you and others add to the conversation, the easier it is to solve arguments, problems, and disputes.

However, if someone feels threatened during a conversation, they will often move toward “silence” (withdrawing, walking away, or shutting up) or “violence” (resorting to insults, attacks, and hostility).

Once a conversation reaches a certain point, it can be really difficult to deescalate and bring the conversation back to safety. Often your best option is to give people space and try to re-initiate the topic another time.

Becoming a better communicator takes practice. You’re going to still make mistakes, but hopefully you try your best to learn from them and change your approach when it isn’t working.

When it comes to certain topics, we may not know where to start because they are such a sensitive subject (or something we’ve been ignoring for too long).

In the moment, we worry about the best words to use, the right tone of voice, and the right time to bring something up without upsetting someone.

One easy way to avoid these problems is to write a note or letter to someone so you can communicate your thoughts and feelings in the best way possible.

When it comes to difficult things to talk about, there are many advantages to communicating it through writing.

To start, it gives you time to collect your thoughts and articulate yourself as clearly as possible. You can re-read what you wrote down and edit out anything that comes off wrong (something you can’t do during a regular conversation).

You can also show your note to a trustworthy friend to get a second opinion before giving it to the intended person. An outside perspective can provide constructive feedback and protect you from any blind spots that you didn’t notice.

Sharing your thoughts in writing is safe and non-threatening, while “face to face” conversation can be nerve-wracking, especially if we are worried about how someone is going to react.

You can’t yell at a piece of paper – sometimes communicating a message through writing is the most peaceful and civil way to speak your mind.

Of course, not all messages are appropriate for writing. You probably don’t want to write a note when it comes to asking someone to marry you or a break-up (although there are always exceptions, depending on the situation).

Note-writing can be especially useful for little requests and suggestions, such as informing a co-worker to be more aware of something or letting a spouse know that a chore needs to get done.

When someone receives a note, they can read it, process it, and respond to it on their own time. That often feels much safer than being bombarded or overwhelmed with information in person.

One popular example is how a lot of families use a whiteboard to facilitate communication, such as letting everyone know about weekly meals, or chores, or upcoming events, or other important reminders.

These simple written reminders can save you from a lot of miscommunication and unnecessary headaches.

What do you have trouble communicating to others? Writing may be your best option.

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