The Over-Promising Trap: Beware of People Who Promise You the World

A friend recently asked me, “What’s a red flag that most people wrongly interpret as a positive thing?” It was a great question and an answer immediately came to mind: those who promise too much.

I see people fall for the “over-promising trap” very often. They meet someone who is super nice to them, treats them well, and promises the world to them. Then they inevitably get burned and blind-sided…

They think, “I never saw this coming! He was so nice to me!” But once you see this pattern of behavior enough, it becomes very easy to recognize early on.

Of course, it feels good to have nice things promised to you. It makes you feel incredibly happy about the future. That’s why the trap is so alluring – and that’s why many people interpret this behavior as a “positive” thing.

In general, people who promise too much (and those who fall for it) often engage in magical thinking, where they set idealistic standards about what a “healthy relationship” should look like. Often they are trying to re-create romanticized versions of “love” that they find in movies, books, and TV shows.

Becoming rich. Traveling the world. Owning a yacht. Going to nice restaurants and fancy parties every night. Having kids. Going to the gym together every morning. Never fighting or arguing. Always being “love-y dove-y.”

These are just some of the things people may dream up when they picture the “perfect relationship,” but they aren’t an accurate view of how most relationships unfold in the real world.

Potential Warning Signs of “Over-Promising”

• The person likes to say they “promise” a lot, even when it comes to really small and trivial things.
• The person makes promises that are big and unrealistic which would be difficult, if not impossible, to fulfill in the future.
• The person moves “too fast” in the relationship, talking about the future (love, marriage, kids, retirement) very early on.
• The person already has a history of breaking “promises” in the past, especially in past relationships.
• The person is undeservedly confident in themselves and their ability to control the future (perhaps a bit narcissistic).
• The person uses a lot of absolutist language like “forever,” “always,” and “never.”

The most important thing is to be aware of promises you know can’t realistically be kept in the future. Especially when it feels like a person is just saying things that sound nice, but there’s no weight behind the words.

While it’s completely fine and healthy to dream about the future and “think big,” when we try to turn these dreams into promises, we are often setting ourselves up for severe disappointment.

One reason they may be “over-promising” is because they just think that’s what you want to hear and they want you to like them. This can be common among “narcissists,” “psychopaths,” and other social manipulators.

In those cases, they are only saying those things because they want to get something out of you. They have no intention to actually fulfill them.

Or perhaps they are “over-promising” because they genuinely think they will be able to follow through on their dreams.

Either way, it is a cause for concern and a potential red flag, because it’s often not a practical perspective of how relationships work in the real world.

The truth is you don’t know what the future will bring. And a healthy relationship has to be willing to accept future obstacles and be willing to adapt to things as they unfold. The actual relationship between you and the other person has to be able to withstand unpredictable and changing circumstances.

No one is perfect. And no relationship is perfect. If someone is trying to portray themselves as “perfect,” or trying to create a relationship that is “perfect,” then they are ultimately deceiving themselves.

Relationships always come with hardship, arguments, mistakes, and conflict. But if you have a growth mindset toward your relationships and you exercise patience, you will use those opportunities to improve, grow, and become more connected to each other in the long-term.

How you face circumstances together is often more important than the actual circumstances themselves.

So even a “picture perfect”-looking relationship on the outside isn’t necessarily a healthy one if no one is happy and they aren’t able to face obstacles together when they come across them.

Over-promising and “magical thinking” often ignore these fundamental truths behind relationships and life in general.

If you think about it, the practice of “over-promising” isn’t just true for relationships, but applies to many areas of our lives. For example, advertisements are always “promising you the world” if you buy their products. But do you really think that new TV or new vacuum is going to make your life perfect?

We are constantly being “over sold” and “under delivered” in life. And we often fall for it because we think our lives need to be more special or grander than they are, according to some idealistic view we learned. We compare our lives to others, but we forget that everyone is on their own path.

The best antidote is to keep a balanced and grounded perspective. Recognize the importance of progress and “small wins,” and don’t think you’re obligated to build a perfect relationship or perfect life.

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