“Social comparison” is one of the biggest traps when it comes to our happiness and well-being. It’s important to remind yourself that you don’t measure up with anyone, because you can’t accurately compare yourself to others. Everyone is on a different path.
One of the ultimate traps in life, especially when it comes to our happiness and well-being, is spending too much time comparing our lives with others and trying to measure it in relation to someone else.
We compare ourselves in virtually every area of our lives. We compare each other’s homes. We compare each other’s jobs. We compare each other’s bodies. We compare each other’s relationships. And we compare each other’s life paths.
And when we are constantly making these social comparisons and perceiving ourselves as inferior in some way, then that’s going to lead us to become more dissatisfied and unhappy with our lives.
It’s all-too-easy to look at someone else and begin thinking, “I wish I had a home like that.” or “I wish I had a job like that.” or “I wish I had a body like that.” But you don’t – and that’s OK.
You are a different person. And you’re on a different path.
There’s always going to be someone else who seems like they have it a lot better than you. So if you’re only measuring yourself against others, that’s a recipe for everlasting unhappiness. There’s always a bigger fish in the pond.
It’s important to remind yourself: “The only person ahead of you, is you in the future.”
Instead of measuring your happiness and success compared to others, think of it in terms of your own self-growth and progress. Are you moving in the right direction in your life? Are you pursuing the values that matter to you? Because that’s what’s most important.
It’s often better to measure your happiness and success based on your own internal standards rather than the external standards you see set by others.
Social Comparison and the “Keeping Up With the Joneses” Mentality
One of the most common examples of social comparison is the “Keep Up With the Joneses” mentality. The basic idea is that we often use our neighbors as a benchmark for success and happiness.
If our neighbor gets a new car, then we feel like we need to get a new car. If our neighbor gets a new TV, then we feel like we need to get a new TV. Or if our neighbor expands their house, then we feel like we need to expand our house.
Do you see where this is going? It’s a never-ending struggle to stay on par with our neighbors or try to appear better than them. It’s a very advanced form of one-upmanship, where we constantly feel like we are in a competition to be better than others.
As the insightful quote from the movie Fight Club goes, “We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.” While that may sound a bit cynical, it does touch on an important truth.
Interestingly, new research published in the journal Housing Studies discovered that those who lived in smaller houses compared to their neighbors often reported more dissatisfaction with their lives.
The objective size of the house didn’t matter, it was about how big it was in relation to other people’s houses. You could own a million dollar home, but if you lived around billionaires then “social comparison” would make you feel poorer and inferior.
That’s the devastating power of social comparison.
And keep in mind, that’s only based on “house size,” not all the other ways we compare our homes and our lives with others.
We compare ourselves in almost all aspects of our lives…
- Our homes
- Our jobs
- Our bodies
- Our relationships
- Our material possessions
- Our families
- Our education
- Our backgrounds
- Our health
- Our experiences
- Our life path
Every single one of these can be a point of comparison which leads to great dissatisfaction and unhappiness.
In today’s world, social media has amplified this effect. When you scroll through someone’s Instagram or Facebook, they often share all the highlights and positive memories in their lives, included filtered photographs of themselves. Some people even pretend to be doing fun things to look like they have awesome lives.
As a result, we often can’t help but look at people’s social media and think “Damn, they are living a way better life than me!” But we are likely over-estimating just how great their lives really are. We are only seeing their highlights, not their behind-the-scenes.
In general, media and advertising are often designed to make you feel like you are “missing out” on something or that your life is “lacking” in some way. That’s how they grab your attention or try to sell you new things. And that’s why the purposely amplify social comparison.
We are bombarded with daily messages like, “You can look like this person if you buy this shampoo!” or “You can be as cool as this person if you buy this car!” or “You can be as happy as this person if you buy this new phone!”
Now more than ever, we need to be vigilant of our endless “social comparisons” and take a step back to ask ourselves, “Am I happy living the way I see fit and works best for me? Then I don’t need to constantly measure myself up against others.”
Healthy Social Comparison
As a social species, it is natural for us to want to compare ourselves with others and ask “What is normal?”
In fact, observing other people and copying them can often be an important aspect of learning, growing, and adapting to our environment, especially as children. “Monkey see, monkey do” has an evolutionary benefit and purpose.
However, the key difference is comparing yourself to learn from others, rather than comparing yourself to judge others (and yourself).
I’m a firm believer in the power of role models, but it’s important to have the right perspective. The goal isn’t to try to become someone else, but to see what you can learn from others and apply to your own life.
For example, if you’re a baseball player, then it makes sense you’d want to watch and learn from other baseball players to improve your craft. But you’re comparing yourself to learn, not to judge people as inherently “better” or “worse.”
If you can keep this healthy distinction in mind, then you can reap all the benefits of social comparison without all the costs of judging yourself as a “bad” or “inferior” person.
Be more mindful of social comparison in your daily life and how it is influencing you.
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