One of the oldest questions in psychology is, “What causes two people to fall in love?” The truth is that your mindset going into a relationship may be one of the most important aspects to a healthy and long-lasting couple.
In general, there are many different factors that can influence whether or not we are attracted to someone, but social psychologists and evolutionary psychologists have discovered some of the key reasons.
Physical attractiveness is one of the most obvious factors. We tend to like those who we find good-looking. For example many studies have shown that “facial symmetry” is often a strong indicator of universal attractiveness, because it signals that a person is healthy and has good genes. Other important physical attributes include height, weight, and body shape.
Another important factor is the “similarity attraction effect,” which states that we are often attracted to those who are similar to us in some way. This can include similarities in hobbies, interests, cultural background, ethnicity, religion, politics, socioeconomic status, and physical appearance (which is why many couples can often look similar to one another).
When we think about “love at first sight,” it’s often influenced by these snap judgments of a person based on these characteristics. It happens quickly. We don’t think about it rationally or consciously, we just see a person and feel a certain way about them automatically.
“Love at first sight” isn’t in our control – it’s a spark that happens instantly. It’s an intuitive, gut reaction that happens below the surface of our awareness.
However, what most people (especially young adults) don’t understand about love is that this initial spark of attraction never lasts forever.
If you spend your whole life chasing that “love at first sight” feeling and then trying to keep that initial spark alive forever, you’ll often find yourself disappointed when that spark eventually wears off and you need to find something with more substance.
“Love at first sight” vs. “Long lasting love”
In Aziz Ansari’s insightful book on relationships called Modern Romance, he teams up with NYU sociologist Eric Klinenberg to investigate the differences between how we search for love today compared to past generations.
In one chapter, he shares an interesting story about how his dad chose a partner in India where he had an arranged marriage. His father only looked at three different girls before deciding which one he wanted to live the rest of his life with.
The first one he decided was too tall, the second one he decided was too short, and the third one was just the right height. After only 10-15 minutes of conversation, Aziz’s dad decided she was the right girl for him and they are still happily married after 30 years.
How is this possible? How can someone put so little effort into finding the “right partner,” yet end up with such a happy and successful marriage decades later?
Perhaps because it was an arranged marriage, both people going into the relationship knew that they had to be patient with each other and grow together in order to make it work.
In the arranged marriage, there was no expectation that they would fall in “love at first sight,” but that a successful relationship was something they’d have to build together over time.
That’s a very powerful shift in perspective if you want to build a long-term relationship. While I’m not saying we should have “arranged marriages,” it’s certainly an attitude we can learn from and borrow from.
According to Aziz, many people today are looking for that spark of “love at first sight.” Then when they find it, they often get disappointed when that spark quickly fades.
This is especially true with the rise of online dating apps and social media. We’re always looking for that bigger spark or that bigger sign that we’ve finally met the “one.”
Plus we have more choices in dating than ever before – that creates a “paradox of choice,” where having so many options makes it difficult to make a final decision – and it makes us less happy with our choices overall. After all, how can we settle for anyone when someone better might be just around the corner?
In today’s world, relationships often start at a boil, then cool down. But in the case of Aziz’s parents, it worked in reverse: the relationship started cool, then worked its way up to a boil.
People often believe they need to find their “soul mate” or “the one” based on magical thinking that they learn through popular movies, books, and culture. They look for that magical “spark” and then hold onto it for dear life.
Unfortunately, this mistaken attitude often distorts people’s ability to find real, lasting, genuine relationships in their lives.
One interesting study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found that framing love in terms of a “perfect unity” or “made for each other” can hurt relationship satisfaction.
This is because when we see someone as “made for us” or “our other half,” then we are implying that we are dependent on them to feel happy and whole.
Instead, researchers found that when we use the metaphor of love as a “journey,” rather than a “perfect unity,” we put ourselves in a better position to resolve future conflict, disputes, and disagreements – which are an inevitable part of any relationship.
If you view “love as a journey” (or “love as an art project“), then you recognize that there will always be obstacles and setbacks, but that it’s all a part of the process.
However if you see love as a “perfect match” or “perfect unity,” then when something goes wrong – even something relatively small – you begin to question how “perfect” it really is, and that can lead down a path of destruction and toxicity.
Ultimately, “love at first sight” is a temporary feeling. You’ll need a long-term perspective to make a relationship really last. And it’s worth it.
Genuine connection: We grow to love people for their quirks
While surface-level traits like physical attractiveness, similarity, and social status play a big role in who we think of as a potential life partner, a recent study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology shows that “unique value” plays an important role too.
Often there isn’t a completely objective consensus on who is “attractive” and who is “not attractive.” Instead, there might be certain quirks and personality traits that some find attractive and others don’t.
What’s more important than our “mate value” is also our “unique value.” This includes how compatible you may be with a certain person, as well as different quirks or traits that a person may grow to love or appreciate over time.
It’s not uncommon in successful relationships for individuals to discover more about what they really love in someone. We don’t usually learn about these characteristics in the first few dates, instead it’s something that requires a long-term investment beforehand.
This is why you should be skeptical of that “love at first sight” feeling – it may not reveal your real compatibility with a person.
For starters, that feeling won’t last forever. So even if you do have a strong “love at first sight” feeling with someone, you’ll still need to dig deeper to build a real foundation with them.
But also, even if you don’t get that “love at first sight” feeling with someone, that doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t compatible with you in the long-term.
Remember, no one is normal – we all have our quirks and eccentricities – so we often have to dig down deeper to truly understand someone and get to know what they are about.
You may not experience a “love at first sight” feeling with someone, but they could still be the most compatible person for you in the long-term. It takes time to get to the good stuff.
It takes time, dedication, and patience to truly get to know someone, connect with them, and build a meaningful connection with them. It takes time to create your own “inside jokes,” your own nicknames for one another, and to know how to push each others buttons in the right way.
The bedrock of all healthy relationships is sharing new experiences and growing together. You need to be willing to put in that long-term commitment to make it work with anyone.
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