Small Talk vs. Big Questions: How to Build a Deep Connection With Anyone

When I look back on all the conversations in my life, the times I’ve built the deepest connections with people are when we just sit and discuss the “big questions” in life.

What’s your biggest goal that you want to achieve? What do you think the future will look like in 100 years? What’s your number one strength and weakness? What’s your favorite memory?

A popular study led by social psychologist Arthur Aron suggests that asking these types of “big questions” is an important aspect of building a deep connection with anyone.

In the experiment, they had individuals broken into a “small talk” group, where individuals just talked about everyday things, and a “big questions” group, where individuals were given a series of personal questions to ask each other.

It was discovered that those in the “big questions” group were far more likely to develop a deep connection with the other person. And many were willing to continue their relationship outside of the experiment.

If we want to have more meaningful conversations, then we need to ask more meaningful questions.

Sure it feels “safe” and “comfortable” to just talk about the weather or your current job. However, sometimes you have to take a risk and push a conversation in a new and exciting direction if you want to connect with someone or learn something interesting about them.

At the same time, asking meaningful questions is an art. Be interested in people, but don’t go overboard.

You don’t want to jump into a conversation just pummeling people with “deep” or “personal” questions right away – obviously – but you do have to be willing to dive into that territory when it is appropriate.

Here is a list of 36 “big questions” to give you ideas. Many of them are great suggestions to help you take your conversations in a new and more meaningful direction.

Choose just ONE that you can ask someone today!

Big Questions to Create a Deeper Connection…

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Which ones are your favorite?

Write 3-5 “big questions” down and make a plan to integrate them into your conversations this week.

All it takes is one big question to move a conversation into a completely new direction. Learn about conversation threading to find out how to respond to people’s answers and never run out of new things to say.

Personally, I like some of these questions better than others. Which questions you choose – and which resonate with you the most – will likely depend on your personality and the type of person you are talking to.

Hopefully these questions give you inspiration to come up with your own questions too. Consider creating a “List of Big Questions” to save somewhere and continue to add to it overtime (you could even whip it out at parties, like a dork, for maximum fun!).

Communication is the key to all healthy relationships – we all know this – but the quality of communication is just as important as the quantity of communication.

Endless hours of casual small talk will only get a relationship so far. It’s also about opening up, being vulnerable, and talking about those “big questions” in life that really get us to know a person and create an authentic connection.

These big questions are great ways to help guide that process and make it easier to connect with anyone.

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