50+ Destructive Patterns That Scream Low Confidence and Insecurity

Have you ever thought you were doing something that made you look awesome and cool, but in reality you just came off as a big insecure airhead?

We all have embarrassing moments that backfire on us and make us look stupid and pathetic. Naturally, we want to be liked by others, but then we try too hard and act in ways that make us think, “This is the exact opposite of what I wanted.”

Ideally we learn from these mistakes and correct ourselves, but destructive patterns can become persistent when we have deep-down fears, anxieties, or negative beliefs about ourselves that we try to compensate for.

Most people can instinctually tell when someone is over-compensating for their insecurities.

The guy who drinks too much alcohol, jumps on the bar, rips off his shit, and grabs the bartenders may think in the moment they are being a fun badass, but to an outside observer, they’ll see his behavior as a sign of deeper problems, low self-esteem, and desperation for attention.

Confidence doesn’t mean the loudest and most boisterous person in the room. This is a false image of strength that we often pick up through entitled celebrities, actors, politicians, and CEO’s who project a caricature of confidence, but can often be the most insecure and volatile personalities once you scratch beneath the surface. Many people underestimate the enduring power of quiet confidence because it’s not as glamorous or socially rewarding in the moment.

Low confidence and insecurity can manifest in big and obvious ways, but also a variety of small and subtle ways that we often aren’t even aware of until they are brought to our attention.

This list outlines 50 destructive behaviors that can scream “I’m insecure” to others, even if in our heads we think they make us look cool and impressive.

The goal is to first bring these negative behaviors to our attention. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward being more aware of them and trying to minimize them in our daily life.

50+ Destructive Patterns That Scream Low Confidence and Insecurity

• Never apologizing even when you know you are wrong or made a mistake.
• Constant gossiping about others behind their back (especially negative comments).
• Bragging about yourself and always talking about your accomplishments.
• Being rude and disrespectful to service workers or acquaintances you’ve just met.
• Belittling other people’s achievements and not being happy for other people’s success.
• Clinging to personal grudges and never letting bygones be bygones.
• Judging people for superficial things like how they look or how much money they have.
• Constantly comparing yourself and measuring your life based on other people’s metrics.
• Never being able to say “I don’t know” or accepting ignorance.
• Taking unnecessary risks such as speeding, alcohol abuse, or drug abuse.
• Fishing for compliments by purposely talking down about yourself.
• Sharing every tiny experience on social media (no divide between public vs private life).
• Using a dating app just for attention and not seriously looking for someone.
• Pretending to be stupid or incompetent to avoid taking responsibility for your actions.
• Being too sensitive and getting upset over slight disagreements that don’t really matter.
• Always needing to win at friendly games or competitions (being a sore loser).
• Starting fights for no reason so you can appear strong or release pent up aggression.
• Nitpicking everything people say. Being one of those, “Well, actually…” people.
• Needing to say anything during a conversation to avoid silence or pauses.
• Thinking you are completely objective and not accepting your bias.
• Stalking people’s online behavior, especially ex’s or past relationships.
• Being “too cool” to be silly or poke fun at yourself.
• Trying to drink or smoke more than everyone else in the room.
• Trying to sleep with as many people as possible.
• Broadcasting to people how much you paid for things.
• Always telling people how much smarter you are than everyone else.
• Feeling the need to respond to insults or negativity instead of practicing the power of silence.
• Taking selfies every single day to share with others and get likes.
• Frequent use of photo filters to artificially boost one’s appearance.
• Constant calls or texts when someone isn’t responding to you right away.
• Always keeping score when someone hurts you so you can “get back” at them.
• Threatening to leave or break up a relationship over minor things.
• Lashing out or yelling whenever you don’t get what you want.
• Always focusing on sharing bad news but never sharing good news.
• Over-explaining your choices to seek others’ approval.
• Caring about how many followers or likes you get on social media.
• Interrupting others frequently to take control of the conversation.
• Using the silent treatment to manipulate people to give you what you want.
• Always needing to socialize or be around others to feel validated or entertained.
• Avoiding any type of solitude or alone time due to discomfort.
• Only using sarcasm, irony, or humor when confronted with serious topics.
• Never willing to try new things because you may fail or embarrass yourself.
• Frequently ignoring good advice from others even when you know they have a point.
• Asking people for help, but then ridiculing or criticizing them for not doing it right.
• Exaggerating stories or experiences to make yourself seem more interesting or impressive.
• Trying to convince people how hard your life is by talking about your problems all the time.
• Always apologizing and saying “sorry” even when something isn’t your fault.
• Being overly controlling or micromanaging in relationships or group settings.
• Repeating toxic or dysfunctional relationships that reinforce feelings of inadequacy.
• Needing to one-up everyone no matter what the situation is.
• Showing off new and expensive purchases.
• Constantly selling yourself short and downplaying your talents, skills, or accomplishments.
• Having difficulty accepting compliments and just saying “thanks!”
• Being a perfectionist and not tolerating any mistakes no matter how small.
• A desire to self-sabotage when a good thing happens to you because you feel you don’t deserve it.
• Anticipating the worst case scenario no matter what the situation is.
• Always needing to hide your flaws, weaknesses, or imperfections from others.
• Never opening up about your past or sharing a vulnerable side of yourself.
• Letting others take advantage of you and walk all over you because you want to be a “nice person.”
• Not knowing how to give an honest “no” or how to reject people in a polite way.
• Being jealous whenever someone else achieves happiness or success.
• Over-analyzing and second-guessing everything you say or do in social situations.
• Never asking for help because you think you need to do everything completely on your own.
• Being too afraid to make decisions – letting others always make the final choice for you.
• Perpetual people-pleasing because you want everyone to like you.
• Staying friends with people who you know are a bad influence and trigger bad habits.
• Frequently making life-altering decisions because you don’t know what you really want (with work, relationships, or lifestyle).
• Completely withdrawing from social life and choosing to live in isolation to avoid people.
• A victim mentality where you always find ways to be the helpless victim no matter the situation.
• Defending yourself from something even when you weren’t accused or suspected of it.
• Hiding feelings because you think “emotions are weakness,” until you have an emotional outburst.
• Consistent body language that makes you seem closed off or unfriendly.
• Apologizing for your existence and believing you don’t have the right to take up space.

Conclusion

Do you recognize any of these behaviors in yourself or others? Can you think of any other destructive patterns that I missed?

Try to identify 3-5 of these behaviors that you’ve committed in the past – are there any you still need to work on?

Of course no one is perfect. Don’t be too hard on yourself and learn to forgive yourself quickly for any mistakes you make. Everyone has fears, anxieties, and insecurities about themselves, and sometimes they manifest in embarrassing ways that we later regret. It happens to everyone.

You can find the most confident person in the world, but they will still be able to find something about themselves that they wish they could change, “fix,” or improve.

True confidence isn’t about perfection, but comfort in being yourself. Start there and trust that you will connect with the right people in time. You don’t have to be any more than what you are.

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